Daily Instant Noodles (Beef Ball Flavor)

What? What?!

What? What?!

Vina Acecook produces several flavors of Daily Instant Noodles, including the one you see here. The beef ball flavor comes in convenient 90g (3.2 oz) packages and is ready to eat in just 3 minutes. It’s perfect for any time you want a quick meal with the delicious taste of beef balls. Just add water, cover, and stir. In no time, you’ll be enjoying beef balls (or at least beef ball flavor) in the comfort of your own home.

The noodles are your standard instant fare, made with ingredients such as butylated hydroxytoluene. The soup base includes disodium 5′-inosinate in addition to the all-important beef ball flavor.  Don’t forget that Daily Instant Noodles (Beef Ball Flavor) also contains both wheat and wheatex, so if you’re allergic to either of those, you won’t be able to partake of these beef ball-flavored noodles.

So the next time you’re craving beef balls, pick up a package of Vina Acecook Daily Instant Noodles (Beef Ball Flavor) and enjoy a bowl of noodles that taste like beef balls.

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Jack ‘n Jill Vcut Onion & Garlic Flavor Potato Chips

Caution: Wardrobe may malfunction at any time!

Caution: Wardrobe may malfunction at any time!

The Secret Society of Artificial Potatoes is proving to be quite voluminous in their correspondence with us here at the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations. We received another letter just today:

Dear Agent(s):

As you surely know from my previous proclamation, I represent the Secret of Artificial Potatoes. You recently dismissed my concerns about the well-being of artificial potatoes, and in doing so, you have succeeded in raising the ire of artificial potatoes throughout the world. Your likenesses, at least as they are imagined by artificial potatoes, have been burned in effigy and your names are second only to “yam” as the worst profanities in the artificial potato vernacular. Nevertheless, I’m writing to you one last time to see if you will change your minds.

As you can see, our situation has worsened significantly since my last letter. Our enormous red-chili feet have been painfully jammed into shoes that are eight sizes too small, apparently because consumers were disturbed by the sight of enormous red-chili feet. We’re also being forced to wear an onion hat and onion rings while we desperately try to juggle cloves of garlic. Can you imagine how hard it is to juggle garlic while your feet are being crushed? And did you know they Photoshop our tears out of the picture so we look happy? Of course we’re crying; our feet hurt and our clothes are made of onions. There’s also the matter of those skimpy onion rings that barely cover our potato parts. It’s downright humiliating.

I strongly advise you to take our plight seriously and not continue to dismiss our dilemma. I have managed to prevent the other artificial potatoes from declaring all-out war on you, but I doubt I can control their wrath if you refuse to help us yet again.


T. Thomas Tuber

Mr. Tuber,

I’ve been held captive by talking fish. I’ve been stalked by a vast soursop conspiracy. In fact, I’ve been stalked by the Vast Soursop Conspiracy. I’ve had to defend myself against (former) East Mangoustani assassins using only soap bubbles. Wong Lo Kat sends me threatening-yet-flirtatious text messages in the middle of the night. And to top it all off, Croatian clowns are trying to break down my door right now. Clowns, from Croatia, who probably want to make me into some new, mysterious chocolate flavor. They’re coming to get me, right this moment. I can’t sleep because the clowns will eat me.

You, on the other hand, are not even a real potato. Not. Even. A. Real. Potato. Write me back when you’re being cyber-bullied by the leader of the worldwide kung-fu cat mafia. Because that is a legitimate problem.

Mildly negative wishes,


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Ego Black Sesame Pie

Better than amêijoas à bulhão pato? You tell me.

Better than amêijoas à bulhão pato? You tell me.

So there I was, finally living my dream of being a professional game show contestant. I was one question away from winning a million dollars and being able to retire from the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations forever. I was tempted to walk away with my winnings and at least pay off the money I owe to Wong Lo Kat, but then I saw the million-dollar category: “Strange Snacks”. Of all the things in the world, this was surely what I knew best, so I chose to risk it all and try the final question.

After a commercial break that included an advertisement for the 9th Annual Rambutan Roundup, the host asked me, “What does Portugal taste like?”

I was stunned by this bizarre question, so I repeated it: “What does Portugal taste like?!”

The host calmly reiterated, “What does Portugal taste like?”

I mumbled under my breath while I tried to figure out the answer to this quirky query: “Portugal…Portugal…What does Portugal taste like? What does any country taste like? Have I ever tasted any countries besides Croatia? It can’t taste like Croatia, since they don’t have Kraš Express in Portugal…”

“Ten seconds”, the host prodded.

“Uh,” I stammered. “Er…Um…Bacalhau?”

There was a suspenseful pause, and then the buzzer sounded. “I’m sorry,” apologized the host. “That’s not the answer we were looking for. The correct answer was Ego Black Sesame Pie.”

After I recovered from the disappointment of returning to my menial job as a semi-professional snacker, I tried to understand how Portugal could possibly taste like Ego Black Sesame Pie. A long time later, I’d almost forgotten about the incident when I came across a box of Ego Black Sesame Pies in the local market. Sure enough, the package clearly indicated that these snacks were “Portugal Flavor”. I wistfully purchased the pies and gave them a try.

As it turns out, Portugal tastes like dry, crumbly filo pastry with frosting and sesame seeds on top. I wonder if they would have accepted that for an answer. Probably not.

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Chiao Kuo Green Beans Soup

The third time has to be the charm!

The third time has to be the charm!

You know the old saying: “Fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.” These are wise words to live by, except for when you’re trying various foreign foods. In that case, it’s important not to let previous bad experiences dissuade you from sampling new products. Just because every other canned soup with a folding spoon on top has been revolting, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying more and more canned soups with folding spoons on top.

At least that’s what we tried to tell ourselves, over and over again, while pondering this can of Chiao Kuo Green Beans Soup. As you can see in the picture, it isn’t “green bean soup” in the traditional sense. It’s more of a bean soup that happens to be green in color. What could be more appetizing than that?

After several months of arguing over who was finally going to be the first to try this green soup of beans, it looked like we were going to have to call in an outside arbiter to force this chartreuse concoction on one hapless taste tester. Fortunately, all that procrastination gave the soup a chance to expire, and our contracts allow us to refuse to eat any product that is past its expiration date. Thus the world may never know the truth about Chiao Kuo Green Beans Soup, and we will live to eat another day.

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Lester’s Fixins Bacon Soda

It's bacon you can drink!

It’s bacon you can drink!

As we progress toward the ultimate goal of having a 100% bacon life, we’re always on the lookout for new bacon products to bring us closer to complete bacon bliss. We managed to find bacon candy and even bacon bandages, but we still had to drink non-bacon beverages. That is, until now. Thanks to the intrepid inventors at Lester’s Fixins, we can now quench our thirst with delicious bacon soda.

Well, maybe it’s not delicious per se. It tastes more like bubbly artificial bacon bits. But that really doesn’t matter, since it’s bacon. Now if only we could find a way to have eating utensils made out of bacon, we might finally achieve absolute pork paradise.

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