He’s a lumberjack, and…
Here at the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations, our responsibilities are always increasing. What started out as a simple mission statement has grown into a mission binder. Currently, we have 38,243 different tasks, the latest of which is “protect pastel-colored woodland creatures from pipe-smoking lumberjacks.” Every time we think we’ve found some loophole to allow us to avoid carrying out our duties, our unseen taskmasters issue more detailed orders that make it impossible to shirk our duties.
No sooner had this latest mission been assigned than a frantic pink rabbit appeared at the FBFCR office. We debated for some time whether the rabbit was really pastel-colored, or if perhaps it might be bright enough to be considered neon-colored. We weren’t specifically required to assist any neon-colored woodland creatures, but after much deliberation, we grudgingly accepted the fact that this particular rabbit was indeed pastel-colored.
Once we’d definitively established the exact coloration of the rabbit, we listened to the rabbit’s story. Several times throughout the interminable jeremiad, we stopped the rabbit to get clarification. For example, we had to be sure that the person in question was actually a lumberjack, and not just some low-level bureaucrat from a logging company. We also had to be sure that the lumberjack was indeed smoking a pipe at the particular time of the alleged offense, and wasn’t just a lumberjack with a habit of smoking a pipe at certain undefined intervals.
It finally became apparent that even the most artful composition of mental acrobatics wasn’t going to give us an excuse to dismiss this report. An unquestionably pastel-colored forest-dwelling animal had reported that a lumberjack was cutting down all of the trees in the forest and was smoking a pipe the entire time. With no other choice, we slowly made our way to the scene of the alleged crime.
When we arrived, everything was exactly as reported: a beady-eyed lumberjack with a polka-dot bandana was smoking a pipe and cutting down trees. Just as we were preparing to apprehend the mustachioed malefactor, we realized that he was in fact producing chocolate-covered tree stumps. We conferred for a moment, and decided that this situation might actually fall under FBFCR mission #18,402: “Promote the chocolate-covering of all items.” On one hand, the pink rabbit probably had a point about the clear-cutting of forests. But on the other hand, chocolate. Plus, we didn’t want to hassle with actually trying to arrest a lumberjack, and especially not a lumberjack with an intimidating ring of facial hair.
In the end, the lumberjack offered us two bags of chocolate-covered tree stumps as an incentive to leave him alone. It wasn’t technically a bribe, since we were promoting chocolate-covering and haven’t yet been ordered to actually preserve forests inhabited by pastel-colored rabbits. As far as tree stumps go, they were covered with chocolate, which automatically means they were very good.
We’ve heard that chocolate-covered tree stumps can be a bit hard to find, so you’ll have to go looking around if you want to try them for yourself. I suggest keeping an eye out for frantic pink rabbits, and heading toward whatever they’re running away from.