It has come to our attention that we at Armenian Fungus Cake might not be doing everything we can to keep our readers safe from the treacherous tyranny of strange snacks. We of course wish to state that we care deeply about the well-being of our fans and would hate to see any of them come to harm. As a result, we would like to take this opportunity to present a serious message about an item we told you about some time ago.
You might recall the story of Momordicae Grosvenori (also known as Fructus Momordicae) and the interdimensional incident that it caused. At the time, we did not explain the precautions that must be taken when dealing with this strange snack. Please take a moment to review the warnings stated below:
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a snack. It must be cleaned and cooked thoroughly before consumption.
- Pieces of dried Momordicae Grosvenori can be sharp. Wear eye protection when handling the product in its dried form.
- Do NOT drive or operate heavy machinery after consuming Momordicae Grosvenori.
- If you have ever experienced unexplained dizziness, nocturnal overeating, or delusions of grandeur, you should NOT use Momordicae Grosvenori.
- In the event of spontaneous combustion, do NOT attempt to extinguish Momordicae Grosvenori. Seek shelter immediately and contact an appropriate specialist for further advice.
- Do NOT mix Momordicae Grosvenori with other household cleaners, including bleach.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT suitable for consumption by chinchillas due to the potential for causing uncontrolled growth.
- Under normal circumstances, Momordicae Grosvenori will not achieve sentience. In the event that Momordicae Grosvenori begins showing signs of self-awareness, immediately clear mind of all unpleasant thoughts. Evacuate entire population of planet as soon as possible and conceal direction of escape to avoid being tracked by Momordicae Grosvenori.
- Do NOT allow Momordicae Grosvenori to become angry. Severe injury and/or property damage will result.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a substitute for qualified psychiatric treatment.
- If the effects of Momordicae Grosvenori last for more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately.
Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself about the serious dangers of Momordicae Grosvenori. We now return you to our normal comedic programming.
There are some things in life that are sacred. You can’t just go around redefining them to suit your own purposes. One of those things is candy. Candy is a traditional bond of sweetness and deliciousness that has existed for thousands of years. It is a three-way promise of tasty delight between the maker, the consumer, and itself.
It was all that, anyway, until Kuai Wei came along and tried to redefine traditional candy. These Kuai Wei Olive “Candies” represent an abomination to all things that make true candy the treat that it is. They blatantly disregard the definition of candy that has been accepted for millennia and replace it with a corrupt conglomeration of olives, sugar, and salt. That is an affront to candy itself, and furthermore, it tarnishes the sanctity of my traditional candy consumption.
Adding insult to injury, it turns out that there is no law protecting the traditional definition of candy. That means anything can be called candy and nobody can do anything to prevent it. You can see this creeping into our culture with the recent designation of bacon as “the candy of meats”. This brief witty observation, or “meme” as it is called on the Internet, has even found its way into the schools where it is being used to indoctrinate children with this twisted message of non-traditional candy.
Please contact your elected representatives and encourage them to support a law that will protect the traditional definition of candy. Only through intense legislative effort can we hope to defend the sanctity of candy and the quick, anonymous, three-way relationship that it represents.
The بقرة says: مو
For many people in the United States, April 15th is a very significant date. It’s the deadline for doing something that they really don’t want to do. For us at Armenian Fungus Cake, the looming deadline was May 15th. That was the day when the Al-Haloub Cow Luncheon Loaf that had been sitting in the AFC laboratory for several years would finally expire. The amount of time that it had been waiting unopened clearly indicated that eating it was something we didn’t want to do.
Rather than allow this mysterious meat to go to waste, I decided that I would finally open it up and give it a try. As expected, the can was filled with a loaf of pink meat that required a bit of effort to extricate. After a bit of agitation, it finally emerged with a satisfying “plop”. The meaty monolith stood on the plate for some time as a pork-free monument to the worldwide appeal of rectangular prismatic luncheon loaves. After taking a few moments to ponder the significance of this quivering meat loaf, I sliced it up and cooked it, along with some polenta that came from a tube. This didn’t look nearly as appetizing as the picture on the can, but the Al-Haloub Cow Luncheon Loaf still proved to be just as tasty as virtually every other canned meat product (however tasty that happens to be).
It never looks as good as it does on the package.
With the consumption of this cow-derived concoction, we have finally cleared out the backlog of all products waiting to be evaluated in the food-tasting laboratory. But never fear, new things have a way of appearing there when we least expect them.
Everyone is under pressure to be environmentally friendly these days. I mean, it seems like as soon as someone finds out that you converted your 1971 Volkswagen bus to run on charcoal, you have fifty Prius-driving protesters outside your headquarters. Apparently charcoal isn’t the most environmentally friendly fuel these days. How was I supposed to know that? I still haven’t even learned the Mangoustani language yet. I can’t be expected to keep up on all of these new fads like, say, gasoline.
I tried to explain to the protesters that I was currently researching a source of energy involving a new type of fusion, but that only seemed to upset them more. They accused me of being ridiculous and proceeded to form a human chain around the Fungusmobile. With no option of escape, I retreated inside and continued my fusion research.
To be more precise, I was researching the Lick Milk Chocolate Pumpkin & Sweet Potato Fusion Bar. I found it to be an unusual combination of chocolate, squash, and tuber. In spite of its astonishing amalgamation of ingredients, it was actually quite tasty. Unfortunately it proved to be ineffective at powering a 1971 Volkswagen bus, so the protesters remain unappeased. Some of them even started going on and on about how vehicles can be powered with electricity nowadays. And these people say I am the crazy one? Come on.
Mangosteen is everywhere now.
Do you remember the good old days when mangosteen was literally the forbidden fruit? Finding it in cans was hard enough. Finding it fresh required putting on an elaborate disguise and asking shady individuals for “Croatian polenta”. Even then, you never knew if you were going to actually get mangosteen, or if you’d wake up in a seedy hotel without one of your kidneys. Even worse, your contact might actually be an undercover agent of the fruit police. There is a lot of crime in the world, but at one time, there were few crimes worse than the ones involving mangosteen.
Now mangosteen is everywhere. They practically throw it at you when you go into the store. If they recognize you as one of those annoying snack food bloggers, they really do throw it at you when you go into the store. They make mangosteen candy and every kind of mangosteen drink. The fruit police are all out of a job. I think I saw one of them working security at an outlet mall the other day. Mangosteen is boring now that it’s legal.
In a last-ditch effort to reignite interest in this misshapen fruit with the husky hull, Lusshin has turned it into a soap. If you’re completely bored with eating mangosteen, you can wash yourself with it instead. Go on, cover yourself with the luscious mangosteen-scented lather. Try to remember the days when you’d travel for a week just based on rumors of mangosteen, and then when you got there it was really just a bunch of shaved rambutans or a big smelly durian that someone had painted red. Try to remember when you had to go to a special store to get cappuccino-flavored potato chips. Did you know they sell those at Wal-mart now? Next thing you know, they’ll be selling Pepsi-flavored Cheetos right next to the regular Cheetos. What is this world coming to?
A likely story…
Oh boy. Here we go again. It’s yet another attempt to get me to eat my vegetables. This has been going on since I was three years old. I didn’t fall for it then, and I’m not falling for it now.
I don’t care if you put the vegetables in a pretty blue bag, or tell me that they’re high in vitamins, or juxtapose them with a smiling cartoon candy bar who says, “Eat your vegetables and then you can have chocolate!” How many times have we heard that before? And how many times did we actually get chocolate? Like maybe…five, tops? And even then, was it really chocolate, or was it that carob crab? Yeah, it was that carob crap, wasn’t it? That stuff isn’t chocolate. Nobody is being fooled by that. Do you hear me, carob?! You’re not fooling anyone!
I’m not about to be tricked by this bag of Hwa Tai Luxury Vegetable Cracker with Chocolate. I mean, luxury? Come on. Luxury is when you have a river of chocolate flowing through the middle of your house, or when you have a 500-gallon ranch dressing tank in your back yard. It’s not when you get tricked into eating vegetables and then get a dried out bit of carob afterwards.
Unfortunately, I’m contractually obligated to try a Luxury Vegetable Cracker with Chocolate, even though I know that little candy bar guy is lying to me. I’m just going to take the mandatory bite and…wait…this isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be! Something is horribly wrong!
The savory vegetable cracker mixed with the sweet chocolate creme is…it’s…it’s perfect. This one cracker…this vegetable cracker with chocolate…it makes up for a lifetime of vegetable-related trauma. I think I’ll celebrate by eating the entire bag. And I can do that, because it has vegetables.