Mr. Blick pt. 3

The Finale

The Finale

Hello Readers. I’m back.

I apologize for my absence. To make up for it, I will give to you the account of my hiatus from writing, and how it ties to the story of Mr. Blick.

When we left off, Blick and I were flying towards West Mangoustan to meet a man called Jeeves, who would help us infiltrate East Mangoustan, and destroy the lab that the East Mangoustanis had been using to perform sick experiments on various organisms. That lab was responsible for Mr. Blick’s petroleum based state.

Anyhow, we eventually landed in West Mangoustan, where we met Jeeves at the airport. He took us back to the hotel, where we established our plan.

First, we had to get into East Mangoustan, which meant getting clearance with both East and West Mangoustani authorities. We decided that we should disguise ourselves as Canadian filmmakers making a movie in East Mangoustan, and calling the film Goarbut that somehow seemed like it had been done before, so we decided against it. Instead, Jeeves chimed in and said that he could just get travel permits made.

We agreed, eager to avoid any overcomplicated theatrics. Once we arrived in East Mangoustan, we would travel to the site of the lab, which was hidden underneath an abandoned soda manufacturing plant in the north of the country, count on finding some conveniently placed lab coats and badges, walk in, plant some cleverly disguised bombs, sneak in to the room where Blick was transformed, transform him back, run like hell, and then blow up the place. After that point, Jeeves would come with a helicopter he got from his East Mangoustani contact (who still needed to be asked about using his helicopter), and we would fly a safe distance away before waltzing out of the country the same way we came in using the same fake IDs.

So, we began with our plan. We successfully had fake IDs made, and, disguised as journalists, managed to make our way into East Mangoustan, with some minor bribery and non-lethal combat. Jeeves was able to drive us within a few miles of the lab, before driving back so he could talk to his friend about the helicopter.

Our first hiccup was the lack of conveniently placed lab coats within a few miles of our destination. So, with Mr. Blick in my pocket, covered myself with dust, and crawled, mile by mile, towards the plant. I was hoping that the guards stationed inside the abandoned factory wouldn’t see me, and the sensors placed in the ground would assume I was some sort of animal, and not worth sounding an alarm over. Eventually, I made it inside the abandoned plant. Using the pink whale bubble gun I had filled with a sedative, I was able to incapacitate a guard and put on his uniform and ID.

I walked around the facility until I found an out of place button with a barcode scanner on it. I looked at the ID I took and put it in front of the button. The button turned green, and I pressed it. A space opened up in front of me, with a ladder leading down inside of it. I tucked the guard’s hat far over my face, and climbed down.

Throughout the lab, I balanced putting explosive charges in trash cans and avoiding contact with security cameras or other people. After reading some signs in my broken Mangoustani, I made it to the plastics room.

It was empty, fortunately. I had Blick roll towards the machine used to turn him into a plastic man. He indicated to me what I should do to turn him back. It was at this point an imposing Mangoustani man in a suit and several armed guards arrived, said something along the lines of “we’re taking you to prison, FBFCR pig” and shot me with a tranquilizer dart.

I woke up the next day strapped to a cold bed in a dark, musty room. It was my prison cell. Guards would come in every once in a while to feed me and allow me the opportunity to walk around and use the restroom.

I spent the next couple months in that room. From what I gathered from hearing the guards talk, they hadn’t noticed Mr. Blick in the machine.  I quietly hoped that he had figured out a way to transform himself and rescue me. I had to get back to writing after all. I also hoped that the explosives I put in the trashcan didn’t destroy some landfill somewhere.

One of my hopes was answered. I later found out that an entire landfill had been leveled for an unknown reason.

After two months, Blick, who had manage to turn himself into a human and disguise as a worker for two months, living at the lab while hatching a plan to get me out and destroy the lab.

I sat, tied into my chair, when I heard gunfire. After some forced negotiation, a guard opened up my door and untied me. Jeeves and Mr. Blick, now in the shape of a middle aged German man (he hadn’t aged while in plastic form), walked through the door and helped me up. They handed me a gun. I told them that we had to escape, and that their loud entrance didn’t leave any time to sabotage the lab.

Jeeves agreed. We both tried to convince Blick that we had to leave before the rest of the guards showed up. He told us that the generator for the whole facility was powered by some sort of highly explosive fluid, and he knew where the generator was.

There was no convincing him. He directed us towards the room with little resistance from the guards.

Eventually, we saw it. It pulsated a strange blue color. Or at least, what we could see of it did, as the rest of it was behind at least twenty guards. Blick shot first.

I fired a few shots, and then realized what shooting the generator would do. I turned to Jeeves and Blick to tell them that we really had to go. Blick was too enraged to hear me. Jeeves had a bullet in his head.

So, despite being weak and smelling like urine, I ran. Blick didn’t follow me. I managed to make it out in time to find a jeep (I guess some things are conveniently placed for action sequences after all), which I drove as far away as possible. I heard a boom, and then the entire facility blew up behind me. I broke the cardinal rule of action sequences and looked at it go up in flames. Blick, who must have been riddled with bullets, but even fuller of pride, anger, and adrenaline, managed to pierce the generator and ignite the whole facility.

I laid low around the country for a while. Eventually, when news of the generator collapse, which essentially caused the entirety of the small country to blackout and essentially destroyed the economy, hit the rest of the world, various special forces groups swept into the country and overthrew the dictatorship, uniting it with West Mangoustan. I went back with the American soldiers.

I came back to America, saddened at the lost of Jeeves and Blick, but happy to be home. Now, after months in captivity, a few bullet wounds, and some other issues, I write this to you. I guess we’ll need a new enemy to write about now.

So, if you’re a plastic game piece, remember that somewhere, there’s technology for you to become a human and commit massive amounts of manslaughter.

Regards,

Arren

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Health Treasure Gruel

"Pure natural food keeping in good health."

“Pure natural food keeping in good health.”

Health Treasure Gruel sounds like something that would be served to prisoners who were being held captive by Wong Lo Kat. This really applies to anything called “gruel”, since that’s not a word one normally associates with gourmet dining. This particular gruel, which is a product of Chin Jun I Food Industrial Co., Ltd., comes in a large bag that contains 18 individual packets (or “sachets”). Each one explains the health benefits of Health Treasure Gruel: “Includes each kind of vitamin group, extremely rich, when breakfast edible, moistens the effect to human body to be out of the ordinary.”

Well. Alright. With that out of the way, the only thing left to do was actually try the Health Treasure Gruel. It has two types of ingredients: main ingredients and sub-ingredients. The main ingredients are: Job’s tears, yam, lotus seed, and Gordon euryale seed. The sub-ingredients are: coarse rice, oats, black sesame, white sesame, red barley, black bean, soybean, glucose, and non-dairy creamer. With such a great mix of healthy ingredients, it’s no wonder they call it Health Treasure Gruel.

The gruel is an orangeish-beige color, and in spite of its ingredients, is surprisingly non-offensive. It’s nearly edible, which is more than one can say for Ching Poo Luong and Adlay Oatmeal Deluxe. I’m not usually a gruel person, but if I had to eat gruel, I’d probably choose the Health Treasure variety. Besides, who wouldn’t want to eat something that moistens the effect to human body to be out of the ordinary? I like being out of the ordinary.

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These Things Are Not Pocky

As a service to the readers of Armenian Fungus Cake, we present you with a photographic guide to identifying things that are not Pocky.

Ticky is not Pocky.

Ticky is not Pocky.

Biscolata is not Pocky.

Biscolata is not Pocky.

Not even with hazelnuts!

Not even with hazelnuts!

Yan Yan doesn't even try to be Pocky. But just to be clear, it's really not Pocky.

Yan Yan doesn’t even try to be Pocky. But just to be clear, it’s really not Pocky.

Your luck just ran out, because Lucky Stick is not Pocky. Not even the coffee-flavored ones.

Your luck just ran out, because Lucky Stick is not Pocky. Not even the coffee-flavored ones.

Chocky

Giant Chocky Brand Stick is not Pocky. But you knew that already.

The most non-Pocky substance known to man.

The most non-Pocky substance known to man.

I hope this guide will help you to avoid any unfortunate Pocky-related misunderstandings. Next up, “Gordon Ramsay vs. Gordon Euryale Seed”.

 

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Podravka Pork Luncheon Patty Loaf

Can you spot the hidden message?

Can you spot the hidden message?

From Podravka comes this odd can of meat known as Pork Luncheon Patty Loaf. It’s a product of Croatia, so the most surprising thing about it is the fact that it’s not made by Kraš. It’s good to see that there is some competition in the world of Croatian convenience foods.

For a product that comes straight from Zagreb, the package is surprisingly English-dominated, with only two words in Croatian. The English portion makes it clear that this is a “luncheon” food, and includes a picture of it cut into triangular slices and served with sliced cucumbers. No surprise there, since I always think of triangular pork patty loaf with cucumbers whenever I think of lunch.

The two words in Croatian point to another possible time when one might eat this pork patty loaf. There at the bottom of the can, and presumably not intended for English-speakers, are the words “VIKEND DORUČAK”. A bit of research reveals that this means “weekend breakfast”. So in Croatia, it seems that the first thing one might eat in the morning (but only on the weekend) would be some triangular  slices of pork patty loaf.

Considering that this loaf tasted and smelled like a giant vienna sausage with lots of extra air bubbles and occasional pieces of skin, I think I’ll stick to my traditional weekend breakfasts.

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Great Burdock Biscuits

Great Burdock Biscuits(!)

Great Burdock Biscuits(!)

Are you sick of your low-class leisure food lifestyle? Do you want more out of life than pork rinds, mini donuts, and corn dogs? You’re in luck, because now you can enjoy Great Burdock Biscuits from High Class Leisure Food! One bite of these classy crackers will cure you of unsophisticated snacking forever. No longer will you be baffled by brie or mystified by muenster. Instead of corn dogs, you’ll now eat skewered Frankfurt sausages wrapped in corn souffle with truffle aioli. Your mini donuts will magically become fried puff pastry rings with a dusting of cane juice crystals. As for pork rinds, well, those will always be pork rinds, since there’s really nothing you can do to make them sound classy.

And if you find that your high-class leisure food life just doesn’t satisfy you the way you thought it would, you can also use these crackers as a mild profanity to express your displeasure, as in, “Great Burdock Biscuits, those tasted terrible!”

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