Wax Gourd Drink

Posted by on May 30, 2012

Burn, Baby Burn

Evening readers

Clearly, the beverage world yearns to confuse the public with disgusting sounding names for their products. Previously, Foco created Soursop juice, a product so deliciously tropical (and strawberry-y) that it must be given a terrible name to keep it in stock. Now, another company wishes to step into the limelight of revolting drink names: Chin Chin, with their Wax Gourd Drink (or Boisson de Citrouille, since Chin Chin is a very worldly company).

When the words “Wax Gourd” entered my auditory cavities, two things crossed my mind. First, and least likely, a zucchini candle. Then, as my brain began to wrap my head around the idea of Wax Gourd, squash juice. Citrouille even roughly translates to pumpkin!

However, if you didn’t think either of these things, you’re probably wrong, as Wax Gourd drink defied most of the expectations that I held, and possibly could hold. To summarize my findings, I present to you a haiku:

Wax Gourd Drink has… wait. I don’t know anything about poetry. Never mind.

I’ll do my best to describe its taste in a different way. To start out, as I stated, it tastes nothing like any gourd I’ve ever had. It doesn’t taste like a flaming zucchini, although it did have a slightly candle wax taste to it. Don’t ask why I’ve eaten candle wax. It’s a top Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations secret. More specifically, imagine that you’re chewing a piece of flavorless, sugar-only gum. You are a twisted person, so you decide that you want to eat some chocolate, as well. So, you put some semi-sweet chocolate chips into your mouth, as you chew the gum. You keep on masticating, until you realize: What better to go with sugar gum and chocolate than weak, lukewarm coffee?! So, you pour some coffee, add too much milk, and let it sit at room temperature for about 6 hours. Once the time has passed, you put it in your mouth, and let it blend in with the chewed-to-a-pulp gum and chocolate. You are disgusted by the taste, so you spit it out. Then, for some reason, you do it again. When the gum-chocolate-coffee mixture is chewed too much to bear, you spit it out, and do it again…and again…and again…and again. You begin to enjoy the experience. It tastes sweet, almost sickly so, but not in a bad way. It’s the kind of sickly sweet that happens when your most hated in-law falls ill. It’s a good sickly sweet. Now, you’re really into it. You wonder why you had such low expectations. Then, you remember: Chin Chin is trying to create the Super Squash Scheme, to stop overconsumption of Wax Gourd Drink, as it is the best sugar/weak coffee/semi-sweet chocolate confection you’ve ever digested. You render your revelations unto your peers, and you start planning to write a blog entry. You look up Wax Gourd, only to find that it has many other more pleasant sounding names. You prepare to share them with the world, but not before several sharply dressed Asian men show up at your door and hit you with a baseball bat. You decide against it.

This anecdote accurately details my time with the Wax Gourd drink, with all of its mediocre breakfast complexities. Although I will not share with you the alternate names of Wax Gourd (which is actually  a vine, fruit, and vegetable, depending on the stage of its life), it is my great pleasure to publish this article chronicling the story of the Wax Gourd drink–a strange, multifaceted, chocolate/weak coffee tasting, but delightfully desirable beverage made from a strange sounding fruit. If you enjoy things like that, I highly recommend that you travel to your closest mediocre Asian breakfast establishment and pick some up.

Regards,

Arren

One Response to Wax Gourd Drink

  1. David Rice

    So it tastes like when something bad happens to someone you don’t like? Would that make it Schadenfreude Squash?

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