Kras Express

Posted by on July 5, 2012

Kraš Express

Remember when I told you that Kraš makes everything in Croatia? And remember how you didn’t believe me? Well here’s yet more proof: Kraš Express instant chocolate-flavored drink mix. This isn’t just any ordinary instant chocolate-flavored drink mix, though. This is apparently the most amazing drink mix in the world and the package clearly shows the astounding results produced by its 8 vitamins (plus calcium).

The front of the colorful container explains (in Croatian, of course) when and why you should drink Kraš Express: “in the morning for a good day, at night for good sleep.” The cartoon Croatian child on the label seems to be having quite a good day, because he’s a superhero! And not a second-rate “ward who lives in the real superhero’s basement” type of superhero, either. He’s obviously faster than a speeding hazelnut, more powerful than a Yugo, and able to pronounce words with seven consecutive consonants.

The preparation directions (which were carefully concealed by the import label, possibly because the Croatians don’t want their secret to spread) depict the amazing transformation produced by Kraš Express. As explained in the instructions, all one must do is add 2 to 4 teaspoons of Kraš Express to hot or cold milk. Then, simply stir and drink. Before you know it, you too can be battling hazelnut invaders and outrunning a Lada. You’ll also find yourself effortlessly enunciating words like “htjela”, “Srpanj”, “vrh”, “zvrk”, and even the dreaded “smrt”.

My three-step plan for world domination!

At least that’s how it’s supposed to work. Back at the Armenian Fungus Cake laboratory, the appropriate amount of Kraš Express was added to cold milk and the mixture was stirred (but not shaken). The initial results were quite disappointing. The milk turned brown, but it acquired virtually no chocolate flavor. It tasted like there might have been some chocolate residue in the glass a couple of weeks ago, but even that was doubtful. After agreeing that this must be due to some discrepancy between the metric teaspoon and the Imperial teaspoon, the testing team decided to double the concentration of Croatian chocolate crumbles. This initially seemed to result in nothing more than a slight darkening of the drink and an overall feeling of mild bemusement. Within a few minutes, however, a member of the testing team had doubled over in pain. I thought this was surely the start of the superhero transformation, especially when he began to express his discomfort by exclaiming: “Zvrk! Smmmmmmrt! Etaoin! Etaoin shrdlu!” But unfortunately, further testing proved that he was still quickly vexed by wafting hazelnuts and that he was still much less powerful than even a Puli Pinguin.

Apparently the magic of Kraš Express only works on cartoon Croatian children. Thus, my plan for world domination (and perfect pronunciation of Croatian consonant clusters) is foiled yet again. Zvrk it! Zvrk it to smrt!

Now that I think it over, maybe it’s not really worth getting too upset over this setback. After all, I’m pretty sure I could outrun a Lada even without the help of Kraš Express.

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