Monthly Archives: August 2012

Asturi Brand Waffleloos

A-A-A Austerity References!

Good morning, readers

There are certain foods in the Western world that are simply fantastic–sandwiches, waffles, jelly, bacon…things of that sort.

It only makes sense that someone would think it a good idea to combine some of the items in this culinary pantheon, to create super foods of food-y fun. It makes sense to the point that some already have, with ever popular inventions like bacon sandwiches, jelly sandwiches, bacon and waffles, even jelly and bacon.

However, there are some that go beyond the call of duty, that take one small step for man, and one large step for people with even larger stomachs. What pioneer (not Pionir–Asturi may not have Sexy Soviet Tractors, but they probably know what toilet paper is) would be daring, cunning, and innovative enough to create a combination with say…three separate parts?

“Not possible,” you say?

Well, if so, you’re wrong, as the Greeks, the inventors of Democracy, philosophy, and public nudity among the upper class (Hey there, Prince Harry) have done it again, with Waffleloos.

But what is a Waffleloos? What did the Waffle lose? Or is the Waffle turned loose? Who would keep a Waffle only to turn it loose? With so many questions, I feel prompted to hurl a copy of the Austerity bill!

In fact, none of those are correct. After some body snatching, basic level sorcery, and a few cups of refined hemlock, the great Greek thinker Socrates told me the answer.

From his eternal wisdom, I learned that Waffleloos is not missing anything, nor did it escape the custody of someone else. In fact, it is a triple ultimate mashup combination conglomeration of mediocrity comprised of two dry waffles which, according to the wrapper were ready to eat, and need not be toasted (it lied), sandwiched around rather disgusting strawberry jam, if strawberry jam went on vacation in a Space Bag and then started a cycle of self loathing.

So, not everything touched by the Greeks turns into gold. Waffleloos, even though I purchased them next to the cash register of a fancy imports store, were quite bad.

They tasted a bit like Fig Newtons, but without any positive qualities, and they left a harsh, hot, and dusty fruit taste in the back of my throat for hours after I actually ate them.

I thought they might be promising, with the luscious looking strawberries juxtaposed with the toasty brown waffles, and the ominous but content seeming eyes peeking at me from the two O’s, but I was wrong, as these fast breaking mishmash snacks were most certainly a C-C-C-Combo Breaker.

Regards,

Arren

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Isleri + Eurocrem = ♥♥♥

Išleri + Eurocrem = ♥♥♥

Swisslion Takovo has produced what may be the first snack whose name is also a mathematical formula. As you can see from the package, the formula here is Išleri + Eurocrem = ♥♥♥. This raises the question: what exactly is this Išleri substance of which the package speaks?

Solving for Išleri, we find that Išleri = ♥♥♥ – Eurocrem. Taking a hint from the box, we assume that Eurocrem equals 39%. So that leaves us with Išleri = ♥♥♥ – 39%. We started with 3 hearts, so subtracting 39% of these hearts leaves us with 1.83 hearts. Thus, Išleri is equivalent to 1.83 hearts, while Eurocrem is equivalent to only 1.17 hearts.

It’s much easier to simply use the English translation from the back of the package. Instead of presenting complex mathematical formulas, it’s all spelled out in easy-to-understand words. The product in the box is a “filled fatty biscuit with cocoa creme and chocolate coating”. Something may have been lost in the translation, since that doesn’t seem like the best name from a marketing standpoint. Obviously Serbia doesn’t share the fat-phobia of other nations, since reminding customers that their treats are loaded with lard isn’t usually the best way to generate sales.

The filled fatty biscuits with cocoa creme and chocolate coating taste like ordinary chocolate cookies with only the slightest hint of hazelnut. Nevertheless, the package proclaims that the overall composition is a minimum of 2.5% hazelnuts. Even if it doesn’t come across in the flavor, it’s clear that Swisslion Takovo is doing its part to prevent Europe from being overrun by hazelnuts. They are also doing very well when it comes to conserving cocoa; only the top half of the confection is actually covered in chocolate.

I hope this has provided some insight into the culinary and mathematical mystery of Išleri + Eurocrem = ♥♥♥. For the next article, I will be performing a least-squares fit on some longans and computing the cross product of cheese curls.

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Junk Food Guy

For those times when we just can’t keep up with your insatiable appetite for strange snacks and wacky weirdness, we’d like to invite you to take a look at junkfoodguy.com. It’s our newest Recommended Site, and it even features a second opinion on the same Piatto’s Nacho Pizza Chips that we reviewed here a few weeks ago. Notice I said that it’s a second opinion, not a different opinion.

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Maggi Cuppa Mania Masala Indian Noodles

Maggi Cuppa Mania Masala Indian Noodles

So there’s this new thing in a yellow cup and it’s from Maggi and it’s called Cuppa Mania and you know what it is it’s masala Indian noodles and they even put this little thing next to the word masala in case you don’t know what it is and it looks like a little arrow pointing up but then what it means is actually down below and it was so confusing but then I figured it out because it’s like when they have those little stars and then at the bottom it tells you that you didn’t really win a million dollars but it wasn’t a star it was a little arrow and maybe they used an arrow because it was true and the star means its not true or maybe because it’s from India and they use arrows there and it really was spicy with all those spices in there and there’s even a yellow plastic fork inside the cup in case you forgot your own fork and it’s like a surprise since they don’t tell you it’s in there and it’s folded in half and if you don’t use it right it collapses and did I mention that it’s suitable for vegetarians?!

Oh, sorry. I guess that serving of Cuppa Mania made me into a bit of a maniac. These instant noodles claim to be spicy, and they are very spicy, both in terms of heat and number of spices. Among others, the mix of spices includes: red chili powder, tamarind powder, garlic flakes, cumin, fenugreek leaves, onion flakes, coriander leaves, artificial onion flavor, and artificial coriander flavor. It’s obvious that onion and coriander are very important to the Cuppa Mania experience, since they are included in both their natural and artificial forms. There’s also a generic entry for “spices” which seems to cover anything that wasn’t already listed on the label. This makes sense when you consider that “masala” means a combination of a wide variety of spices. Just be careful, since all of those delicious spices are enough to drive you insane!

P.S. Unlike White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink, we have no reason to believe that this product contains saliva in any form.

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Wonderfarm White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink

Wonderfarm White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink

White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink.

White Fungus. Bird’s Nest. Drink.

White. Fungus Bird’s. Nest Drink.

So what is it? Is it a drink made from the nest of a white-fungus bird? Is there such a thing as a white-fungus bird? Is it a white drink that’s made from the nest of a fungus bird? What in the world is a fungus bird? Maybe it’s what a white fungus bird (as opposed to, say, a blue fungus bird) drinks when in its nest. Is it a bird’s nest made out of white fungus that’s been turned into a drink?

As it turns out, it’s a drink that contains both white fungus and bird’s nest. These aren’t things you normally think of as being drink ingredients, but here at Armenian Fungus Cake we wouldn’t waste your time with normal drink ingredients. This drink really does contain chunks of white fungus as well as real bird’s nest. If you’re not familiar with this particular type of nest, it’s not the collection of leaves and twigs that you might imagine. This nest is produced by the Edible-nest Swiftlet (Aerodramus fuciphagus), and it is composed of hardened saliva.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You think there was some strange auto-correct failure right there, because that last sentence said that the bird’s nest in White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink is made of bird saliva. And surely that can’t be right, can it? Well, it can. Unlike horse urine eggs, which don’t contain any horse urine, this drink in the golden can contains not only chunks of fungus, but also genuine bird saliva. Probably not very much bird saliva, since the bird’s nest in question sells for about $1,000 per pound and is one of the most expensive foods in the world. Nevertheless, the label clearly lists bird’s nest, and there is no reason to doubt its veracity.

The drink has a chunky texture, thanks to the white fungus. It’s also thick, thanks to thickener 466. It’s sweetness comes from sugar, rock sugar, and synthetic sweetener 960. I never realized that there were at least 466 different thickeners and 960 different synthetic sweeteners. Chemistry has indeed come a long way.

The flavor is reminiscent of vanilla with a bit of milk. The source of the vanilla flavor seems to come from the synthetic flavor that’s mentioned on the label. There’s no number with this one; apparently there isn’t as much variety in synthetic flavors as there is in thickeners.

All in all, White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink wasn’t all that bad. In fact, it was rather enjoyable in its own strange way, and was even described as “phenomenal” by my culinary co-conspirator. That was before I let him in on the exact nature of the bird’s nest, but even that salivary secret didn’t ruin the appeal of the beverage.

Now all we have to do is locate that elusive white-fungus bird. If you should happen to find one, please send it our way.

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Anapests vs. Dactyls

The Iambs all had gathered in the Hall of Prosody
To witness the greatest of all battles
That is, between the Anapests and the Dactyls,
With the Molossus as referee.

The Trochees came from near and far
To see the fight of trisyllabic feet
To watch the victory and defeat
In this contest most bizarre.

A Spondee belted out a rousing song
About a Bacchius most strong and brave
(Though his courage did send him to his grave)
And the Amphibrachs all sang along.

The lights were dimmed; the battle begun:
It was the Dactyls who made the first attack
The Anapests were quite taken aback
But the struggle was still far from won.

The Dactyls found Anapests on their flank
Which gave them quite a scare
But it’s true that all is fair
And it was a brilliant tactic, to be frank.

The Anapests and the Dactyls continued their clash
The Iambs and the Trochees looked on with delight
While the Spondees preferred to avert their sight
As this battle of verse ended in a flash.

The Dactyls were defeated by trickery
But the Hall of Prosody was a mess
And the Anapests had lost their stress
It was, at best, a Pyrrhic victory.

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