I’m pleased to report that I’ve escaped from the clutches of the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony, though not without having to endure some rather unpleasant cuttlefish-flavored cuisine. In an ironic effort to completely break me, the Hegemony took away my supply of Long Kow’s Crystal Noodle Soup (6 Kinds of Mushrooms) and replaced it with Miaow Miaow Cuttlefish Flavored Crackers. It would seem that cuttlefish are the disfavored members of the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony, since the inclusion of real cuttlefish powder in these crackers didn’t stop the Hegemony from forcing me to eat them. I really wish it had stopped them since these crunchy cuttlefish crackers were positively revolting.
With an overpowering odor of fish food and a frightful flavor of, well, fish food, these morsels from Miaow Miaow (which bills itself as “The House of Snacks”) were simply a bridge too far. When I was eating mushroom soup, I could simply wait for the rescue effort that was bound to come sooner or later. But once I was forced to eat cuttlefish-flavored crackers, I had no choice but to try to remember my training and stage an escape attempt.
Rules of secrecy prevent me from revealing the exact method I used to escape from the Hegemony and their vomitous victuals, but I can tell you that it involved several toothpicks, two quarts of 75W-85 gear oil, and an inflatable Egyptian sarcophagus.
The future threat posed by the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony remains to be seen. They had always seemed harmless in the past, in spite of their constant threats, but any group possessing a weapon as foul as Miaow Miaow Cuttlefish Flavored Crackers should not be underestimated.
By the way, there was a rescue effort planned, wasn’t there? I just happened to escape before it became necessary, right? Right?