I am delighted to tell you that I have recovered from my candy possession due to the Shocking Popping Candy.
In order to do this, I required a significant amount of support from friends and family, a few exorcisms, and most importantly, some surplus Swiss Army measuring spoons. Er…Swiss measuring spoons.
See, when I worked full time for the FBFCR, I was issued, among other things, a set of Swiss Army measuring spoons, authentically manufactured by a Victorinox knockoff brand based in Hong Kong. However, due to their important historical value (they were also covered in blood and speculoos butter, which increased their selling price), I gave the set of spoons to the Official Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations Museum, which is operated out of an abandoned lemonade stand by a homeless conspiracy theorist somewhere in a D.C. subway tunnel. So, when I, in a haze of poisoned Popping Candy, saw something that looked like my non-patented Swiss Army measuring spoons in a local thrift shop, I picked them up without hesitation.
I brought them home, hoping that seeing a remnant of the good ol’ days would bring me out of my unhealthy state. Unfortunately, once I was able to focus, I realized that the measuring spoons that I acquired were not what I was hoping they were. These were not Victorinox knockoffs. They were simply knockoffs, courtesy of GamaGo, a company that I had never even heard of.
At this point, it dawned on me that I may actually have to use these spoons to bring me back to health, not just look at them.
I used the spoons, which claimed to be “Precision Crafted Measuring Multi-Spoons” to whip up a batch of Kulfa/Kulfi. At this point, I still wasn’t entirely sound, so I may have messed up the recipe slightly (it wouldn’t make sense for there to be a hamster in the recipe, but I thought it did at the time), but it didn’t matter.
I hoped that the Kulfa/i would bring me back to health…an Indian penicillin, if you will. I was more or less right, even with the hamster.
However, once I was cured, I couldn’t help but to feel conflicted. These were most certainly not the measuring spoons I knew and loved. But I used them to nurse myself back to health. Should I feel thankful for GamaGo? Mistrustful? Violent? I honestly did not know. Even worse, I now have a set of flimsy plastic measuring spoons in a flimsy plastic red casing. I had actual measuring spoons, which were more useful. The only reason I used the knockoff knockoffs was because I knew that I could write an article about it.
I suppose that this is one of the drawbacks of writing for a moderately successful comedy blog based on weird stuff. Oh well. I suppose the homeless conspiracy theorist will appreciate having them. That is, if he hasn’t been killed by a subway train yet, which tends to happen when you set up a former lemonade stand in a subway tunnel.