Monthly Archives: December 2012

JFC Biscuit Sticks

Is that Elvis?!

The snack world recently mourned the loss of Twinkie the Kid, who was the eponymous mascot for the baffling baked good from Hostess. Twinkie the Kid, or “T.K.” as he was known to his friends, was found dead in his Irving, Texas apartment in the middle of hundreds of Chocodiles wrappers. The coroner believes that Mr. Kid had been on a “Chocodile bender” for at least three days prior to his death. “The vast quantities of cake, chocolate, and creme filling were too much for even a creature made of cake and creme filling to tolerate,” explained the coroner. The district attorney said that in spite of the obvious similarities between Twinkies and Chocodiles, it would not be possible to bring posthumous charges of cannibalism due to a recent Supreme Court ruling on the subject (see United States v. Thirty-five Cases of Chocolate Covered Twinkies a/k/a Chocodiles).

That was the official story, anyway…

The investigators at Armenian Fungus Cake weren’t satisfied with this explanation. We set out to determine what really happened to Twinkie the Kid, and what we found was quite shocking. It appears that Mr. Kid faked his own death to escape his contract, and is now working in a much more lucrative position as the mascot of JFC Biscuit Sticks. He’s obviously remained true to his cowboy roots, but as you can see, he’s been promoted to sheriff. Instead of intimidating other snacks with his colorful bandana, as he did in his previous job, he’s now armed with two powerful weapons. One is clearly a revolver, while the other is less distinct. It may be another gun, but it also appears to be some type of over-sized fountain pen. Regardless of what the newly minted sheriff uses to carry out his duties, we at Armenian Fungus Cake wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor.

Oh, right. The biscuit sticks. They tasted sweet, with just a bit of salt. No surprise there.

Also, while investigating this case, we saw Elvis. He was probably looking for any remaining Twinkies.

 

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The Great Mayapocalypse

Friday, December 21st, it’s said that the Maya calendar will end and some terrible cataclysm will befall the earth. As it turns out, the calendar doesn’t end; it merely rolls over to the next baktun. December 20th will be 12.19.19.17.19 in the Maya calendar, and December 21st will be 13.0.0.0.0. So on one hand, there’s nothing to see here. But on the other hand, there is a fascinating story behind the significance of 13.0.0.0.0 and the start of the 13th baktun.

The Popul Vuh, which is the Maya Book of the People, tells the story of four different creations. The two most important gods in the story are Heart of Sky and Sovereign and Quetzal Serpent. Another of the gods is called The Framer and The Shaper. Together, these gods are known as the Forefathers. Heart of Sky is himself described as a trinary god, made up of Thunderbolt Huracan, Youngest Thunderbolt, and Sudden Thunderbolt. Plus there are also other gods called She Who Has Borne Children and He Who Has Begotten Sons. Great White Peccary also has a minor role among the Maya gods, but that’s not really relevant to the end of the world.

In the first creation, Heart of Sky, together with Sovereign and Quetzal Serpent, created animals. But the Forefathers wanted to be praised for their work, and the animals had no voices. As much as the Forefathers cajoled the animals, all they could do was grunt and growl. This wasn’t good enough, so the Forefathers created people out of mud. The problem was that these mud people were too delicate. They washed away in the rain, and they dissolved when they fell into water. Thus, they were also unable to praise the Forefathers. Eventually, the Forefathers grew tired of this, and they destroyed the mud people.

Next, the Forefathers created wood people. The wood people were more durable, but they lacked intellect and they refused to praise the Forefathers. When the Forefathers grew angry with the wood people, they were destroyed in quite a gruesome manner. Their limbs were broken and they were burned with fire. A great flood of resin rained down upon the wood people, and when they tried to escape, their houses collapsed on top of them. Even their own cooking utensils rose up and crushed the faces of the wood people. There is more face crushing in the Popol Vuh than there is eye gouging in King Lear.

After the destruction of the wood people, there was a bit of an interlude where the Hero Twins Hunahpu and Xbalanque defeated Vucub Caquix (Seven Macaw). They also defeated both sons of Vucub Caquix, the second of whom was Cabracan, the wrecker of mountains. Even more importantly, they tricked the Lords of Xibalba (the Maya underworld) into allowing themselves to be killed. Thus, Hun-Came (One Death) and Vucub-Came (Seven Death) were defeated, leading to the downfall of Xibalba. An interesting side note is that the mother of the Hero Twins was herself the wife of Gathered Blood, who was one of the minor Lords of Xibalba. But, I digress.

Finally, the Forefathers created corn people. The corn people were strong and handsome. They praised the Forefathers. They built cities, formed nations, and established a civilization. As you can see, the corn people pleased the Forefathers much more than the mud people and the wood people ever did.

Oh, by the way, we are the corn people.

What does all this have to do with the 13th baktun? Quite a bit. The destruction of the wood people and the creation of the corn people is recorded as being on 13.0.0.0.0, but this date is also recorded as 1.0.0.0.0 because the calendar was reset after the new creation. This has generated speculation that the destruction of the mud people and creation of the wood people also occurred on a date of 13.0.0.0.0, at which point the calendar was reset to 1.0.0.0.0 again.

According to some Maya artifacts, it seems like the Forefathers usually give their people until the start of the 13th baktun to prove their worth. And at that point, if the Forefathers are displeased, they destroy creation and start over again. That’s where the December 21st, 2012 story comes from. The calendar doesn’t end then, but it is still a very important date in Maya mythology.

So, considering the fact that most of you are hearing all this for the first time, and have probably made the Forefathers quite angry in one way or another, you’d better hope that The Framer and The Shaper is still pleased with the actions of the Maya people, because if he isn’t, there are going to be some very angry kitchen appliances coming to get all of us on Friday morning.

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Mic’s Taiwan Flavor Taro Cakes

Mic’s Taiwan Flavor Taro Cakes

As the newly elected vice-president of the Purple Foods Association, I was eager to try these Mic’s Taiwan Flavor Taro Cakes. The picture on the box made it look like the this was going to be the most perfectly purple pastry I had ever eaten. Not only that, but it was going to be the first time I had ever tasted Taiwan itself. I’d eaten Shownice Boiled Salted Duck Eggs, which were packed in “Taiwan of origin”, but I’d never actually experienced the true flavor or Taiwan.

Inside the box were six individually wrapped taro cakes, each contained within an intensely purple pouch that was adorned with pineapples, oranges, and other non-taro fruits. The exterior of the cakes looked exactly as shown on the box, but the interior proved to be rather disappointing. Far from being the spongy purple mass shown on the box, it was a sticky tan filling that was reminiscent of a Fig Newton. The taro cake (and by extension, Taiwan) tasted reasonably good, but wasn’t purple at all. I’m going to have a very hard time explaining this at the next meeting of the Purple Foods Association.

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North Sea Fishnacks

North Sea Fishnacks

Yo Feng Food Company produces these North Sea Fish Snacks. Wait, no. North Sea Fishnacks. It’s a snack, er, a nack, made of fish. This particular…nack…is made of saurida filamentosa fish and muraenesox cinereus (which is actually a type of eel). Apparently, humans have already eaten all of the fish with appetizing names, so now we nack on fish with names that sound like something out of a medical school textbook. (“I’m sorry to inform you, but you have a severe case of  muraenesox cinereus. The prognosis is not good.”)

The fishnacks look like a tangled mass of straw or some other kind of thin filament. This is oddly appropriate, since it’s made from saurida filamentosa. It’s also made from tapioca starch, sorbitol, salt, sugar, and a multi-amino acid blend. This blend is featured prominently on the package, which explains that it consists of arginine, lysine, histidine, and methoinine. All those fancy-sounding names must mean that this is a very healthy nack.

Once we opened the package, we discovered that the fishnacks were much moister than they appeared. Rather than the crunchy nack we were expecting, they were instead rather soft and chewy. It looked and tasted like fish jerky that had been run through a paper shredder. (Take that, Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony!)

If you find yourself with an insatiable craving for a big pouch of shredded fish, North Sea Fishnacks seem to be your best and only choice. If, on the other hand, you found this page because you’ve just been diagnosed with saurida filamentosa, I’m truly sorry. Perhaps you could try some Traditional Pearl Sago instead. I hear it’s really good for things like that.

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Maped Tatoo Erasers

Maped Tatoo Erasers

Dear Maped Corporation,

I recently purchased your Maped Latex-free Tatoo Erasers (2 pack) and I am extremely disappointed for several reasons:

First of all, I thought the package said “Moped” and not “Maped”. I assumed this meant that I could use these erasers to remove unwanted marks from my motorized bicycle. However after several unsuccessful attempts, I looked at the package more closely and determined that these were not, in fact, moped erasers.

Next, I also intended to use these erasers to remove unsightly and embarrassing tattoos from certain parts of my body. The nature of these tattoos and circumstances under which I came to have them are not for public discussion, but suffice it to say, I was quite pleased with the prospect of being able to erase them with Maped Latex-free Tatoo erasers. Unfortunately, the tattoos have failed to show any sign of disappearing even after using these Tatoo erasers. I must assume this is why the name of the product is spelled with only one T.

Finally, the erasers and the front of the package depict an American flag design, but the back of the package clearly indicates that these are French erasers. Several radio and television commentators have told me that I should be very upset about this juxtaposition, and therefore I am very upset.

I expected more for one dollar, which works out to 50 cents per eraser. For that price, tattoo removal and moped maintenance should be included. A dollar is a lot of money these days, and I demand a very high level of value for my eraser dollar.

Thank you,

David Rice

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YouPie 768X Coffee Pie

YouPie 768X Coffee Pie

The YouGoods Company produces these YouPie 768X Coffee Pies. These pies, and indeed all of the goods produced by YouGoods, are all about you. That much is clear. What’s less clear is the significance of the 768X in the name. Obviously something about these pies is 768 times something else, but there are few clues about this mysterious multiplication.

The slogan on the package is “boundless merriment with friends getting together.” Maybe the 768X means that these pies produce 768 times more merriment than average pies. That would be quite a bit of merriment.

It might also mean that you’ll have 768 times more friends if you give them all YouPie 768X Coffee Pies. That would be a lot of friends. If you started out with 400 friends (using the Facebook definition, obviously) and gave each of those friends YouPie 768X Coffee Pies, you’d have 307,200 friends. Repeat the process, and you end up with 235,929,600 friends. One more round of pies would buy you 181,193,932,800 friends, with the only problem being that there aren’t that many people in the whole world. Plus, that’s just too many friends, even when boundless merriment is involved.

The name could also mean that this package contains 768 times more coffee pies than a normal package of coffee pies. But that would mean that an ordinary package only contains 0.016 pies. That’s a ridiculously small amount of pie, and would really put a damper on any merriment that might ensue as a result of said coffee pies.

One taster remarked that these individually-wrapped wafers (which really aren’t pies at all) tasted like “pure caffeine”. Thus, it’s possible that they contain 768 times the amount of caffeine as in a normal coffee pie. But that much caffeine would be enough to kill an elephant, and no one who tasted the YouPie 768X Coffee Pies actually died as a result of eating them. At least that’s what my lawyers tell me.

While there are many theories, none of them seem to be consistent with the flavor and texture of these odd edibles. It seems that the multiplicative nature of YouPie 768X Coffee Pies will remain forever a mystery.

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