Monthly Archives: September 2013

Dill Pickle Mints

Dill Pickle Mints to the rescue!

Dill Pickle Mints to the rescue!

Do you ever get an intense craving for a dill pickle at the most inopportune of times? Does it take over your life, causing you to lose a whole day of productivity while you sit listlessly in a mental fog, wondering when you’ll get your next pickle fix? Have you become a slave to the call of the green monster?

It might seem like carrying an emergency pickle everywhere you go would be the answer, right? Well, it’s not. First of all, pickles have a distinctive smell that could attract other pickle addicts and lead to senseless acts of violence. Not only that, but pickle juice gets everywhere and leaves hard-to-explain green stains in unimaginable places. Finally, you’d think that simply saying that you really do have a pickle in your pocket would be sufficient to clear up unfortunate misunderstandings. Well, it’s not. Don’t ever tell anyone that you have a pickle in your pocket, even if you really do have a pickle in your pocket. Let them think whatever they want to think, but don’t say you have a pickle in your pocket. Trust me. The legal fees alone will be astronomical.

Luckily, there’s finally an answer to this pickle predicament. These Dill Pickle Mints allow you to get your dose of dill without the embarrassment of carrying an actual dill pickle wherever you go. Simply pop open the tiny tin and indulge your cucumber craving, any time and anywhere. You won’t have to clean up any vinegar stains, and you won’t have to defend any lawsuits. Now if only they could do the same thing for other foods, like onion rings and bacon, the world would indeed be a wonderful place.

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e. frutti gummi candy lunch bag

extra-junky junk food

extra-junky junk food

the e. frutti gummi candy lunch bag
makes junk food even junkier
because all of those junk food things
like pizza, burgers, and fries
are now all made of pure sugar

it has two mini burgers, a hot dog,
two gummi colas, sour gummi fries,
and five slices of candy pizza
in a convenient plastic tray
for your snacking pleasure

but watch out, because your junk food
lunch bag is being greedily eyed by a
stereotypical italian chef
who apparently represents the
five-slice gummi pizza

it doesn’t contain any peanuts
so you can give yourself diabetes
even if you are allergic. then
you would have two problems
and couldn’t eat gummi lunches anymore

but the good news is that it’s fat free
or sans gras as they say in france
which means it must really be good for you
at least you can tell yourself that
while you eat candy shaped like french fries

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Six by Nine

We’re taking a moment away from our alimentary antics and culinary crime fighting to tell you about an interactive web comic called Six by Nine. What makes this different from other web comics is that the readers directly shape the story by providing feedback and offering potential solutions to the situations that the characters find themselves in. It’s sort of a MMOCP (massively multiplayer online comic puzzle).

You can find the link in the Recommended Sites list, or click on it right here: Six by Nine.

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The Wrath of the Giant Dorito

Fiery!

Fiery!

O giant Dorito!
Thou unleasheth thy fiery wrath,
And destroyeth the lesser tacos
That would seek to usurp thy sodium-laden majesty.

O giant Dorito!
The flames of thine anger raineth down
Upon the tacos of the infidel,
Which are made without flavored tortilla chips.

O giant Dorito!
Send thy burning rage to vanquish the normal taco,
The soft taco, the bean burrito, the cheese enchilada,
And the flavorless Cool Ranch impostor.

O giant Dorito!
Thy glorious crimson semicircle surpasseth
All other taco configurations
Including even the rolled taquito.

O giant Dorito!
No other taco can compare to thee!
For thou art the hottest Dorito.
Thou art the reddest Dorito.
Thou art the angriest Dorito.

Amen.

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Jack ‘n Jill Taquitos Spice Flavored Corn Chips

It's spice, but not as we know it.

It’s spice, but not as we know it.

Accidents happen. Sometimes they involve everyday objects. Other times, they involve tens of thousands of gallons of artificial flavoring. What’s important isn’t that the accident happened, but what’s done to prevent it from happening again. Jack ‘n Jill clearly had this in mind when they developed their Taquitos Spice Flavored Corn Chips.

Rather than risk another laboratory accident that might require the hasty introduction of an incongruous flavor combination, they obviously decided to keep the terminology as vague as possible so that no matter what sort of spice spillage happened to transpire, they could continue to use the same package. Whether the spice is turmeric, cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg, basil, dill, cayenne, salt, pepper, thyme, sage, rosemary, or devil’s dung, it’s now guaranteed that there won’t be any late-night product redesigns. These corn chips claim only to be “spice flavored”, and to feature “spiced up flavor”. It really doesn’t get any more generic than that.

With the risk of tasty emergencies mitigated, the culinary chemists of Jack ‘n Jill are again free to come up with exciting new flavor sensations like…cheese.

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Jack ‘n Jill Tostillas Nacho Barbecue Flavored Tortilla Chips

You got nacho in my barbecue!

You got nacho in my barbecue!

Deep within the Jack ‘n Jill laboratories at 3:00 a.m., a crisis was silently brewing. The 10,000 gallon tank that holds artificial nacho cheese flavoring was beginning to buckle under the strain of its chemical contents. At just about the same time, the 10,000 gallon tank that holds artificial barbecue flavoring was being siphoned by agents of Wong Lo Kat, presumably for nefarious and non-culinary purposes.

At precisely 3:15 a.m., the tank containing artificial nacho cheese flavoring ruptured. The ensuing flood of orange-yellow ooze sent Wong Lo Kat’s henchmen fleeing in such a hurry that they forgot to turn off the artificial barbecue flavor spigot. The next morning, the laboratory was filled with 19,950 gallons of artificial flavoring (50 gallons of artificial barbecue flavoring had already been stolen by the henchmen before the disaster).

With thousands of orders for Tostillas tortilla chips to be filled, and no way to separate the flavorings back into their individual artificial components, the snack engineers at Jack ‘n Jill were left with no choice but to hastily devise a new flavor. One of them quickly downloaded a free font from the Internet and created a garish logo. The others began frantically pumping the flavor concoction back into the remaining artificial flavor tanks (after remembering to turn off the artificial barbecue flavor spigot). Thus, Jack ‘n Jill Nacho Barbecue Flavored Tortilla Chips were born.

Unfortunately, the ensuing delay between this happy accident (don’t call it a mistake) and the time these chips arrived for testing allowed them to become quite stale. This made it almost impossible to fairly evaluate the results of the quick thinking that night in the Jack ‘n Jill laboratories. Sorry, guys. I know how terrible it is to do all that hard work and not get any credit for it. Maybe some other time we can give your strange snack a fair taste test. I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities; 19,950 gallons of artificial nacho barbecue flavor will last for a really long time.

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