Monthly Archives: December 2013

Barley & Fungus Beverage

Two great tastes in one!

Two great tastes in one!

When you’re freezing cold this holiday season, don’t reach for the same old boring coffee or cocoa. Instead, start a new tradition with Barley & Fungus Beverage! The delicious flavors of barley and fungus (not to mention chrysanthemum extract) will warm your face and bring a smile to your heart. Don’t settle for a beverage that merely contains barley or fungus. Insist on only the best, most delicious beverage in the world. Insist on Barley & Fungus Beverage!

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m pretty sure this stuff was sent by the Croatian Clown Conglomerate as part of their plan to force us into retirement and steal our t-shirt shop revenue. Well, guys, you’re going to have to try harder than that. As the FBFCR agent with the strongest stomach in the whole department (it was rated “corundum” during my post-hiring boot camp), I tried this one on my own. I’m sure your intelligence reports have shown that another agent has a stomach rated “gypsum”, but these things are taken into account when deciding how to divide up the taste-testing assignments. We know our strengths and our weaknesses; it’s not like we’re a bunch of clowns here.

At least it doesn’t try to sound artificially appetizing. A marketing magnate might get a hold of this and try to call it “Barl-O” or “Fungustine” or “Pinko the Clown’s Yumscruffle Drink”. It’s none of those things. It’s Barley & Fungus Beverage, and it’s nothing if not humble. If you like barley and fungus, you should probably drink it. Otherwise, don’t.

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Leslie’s Clover Chips Ham & Cheese

With vitamins!

With vitamins!

Have you ever wanted a sandwich, but just didn’t have time to make a sandwich? Or maybe you’d skipped your coffee the day before, found yourself unable to even get out of bed in the morning, and needed a vitamin-packed snack to get you going again? Problems like these aren’t going to be solved by an ordinary mainstream corn chip. When you need a sandwich, but just can’t have a sandwich, you need Leslie’s Clover Chips Ham & Cheese flavor. Because unlike regular chips that taste like (or are at least named after) cheeses and salad dressings, this chip is a ham & cheese sandwich in a bag.

Not only does this self-identified “unique corn snack” replicate the flavor of a ham & cheese sandwich at least as well as any chip that claims to taste like a taco, but it also has vitamins. I know this because it says so right on the package. That almost makes it a health food in my book. In fact, I might just be able to replace my entire sandwich intake with sandwich-flavored corn chips, since they’re so full of healthy things like ham powder and disodium guanylate.

We’re eagerly awaiting the release of future sandwich-flavored snacks, especially the Luther Burger variety.

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