When you’re freezing cold this holiday season, don’t reach for the same old boring coffee or cocoa. Instead, start a new tradition with Barley & Fungus Beverage! The delicious flavors of barley and fungus (not to mention chrysanthemum extract) will warm your face and bring a smile to your heart. Don’t settle for a beverage that merely contains barley or fungus. Insist on only the best, most delicious beverage in the world. Insist on Barley & Fungus Beverage!
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m pretty sure this stuff was sent by the Croatian Clown Conglomerate as part of their plan to force us into retirement and steal our t-shirt shop revenue. Well, guys, you’re going to have to try harder than that. As the FBFCR agent with the strongest stomach in the whole department (it was rated “corundum” during my post-hiring boot camp), I tried this one on my own. I’m sure your intelligence reports have shown that another agent has a stomach rated “gypsum”, but these things are taken into account when deciding how to divide up the taste-testing assignments. We know our strengths and our weaknesses; it’s not like we’re a bunch of clowns here.
At least it doesn’t try to sound artificially appetizing. A marketing magnate might get a hold of this and try to call it “Barl-O” or “Fungustine” or “Pinko the Clown’s Yumscruffle Drink”. It’s none of those things. It’s Barley & Fungus Beverage, and it’s nothing if not humble. If you like barley and fungus, you should probably drink it. Otherwise, don’t.