Monthly Archives: May 2014

Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints

I must be dreaming!

I must be dreaming!

OHMYGODITFINALLYHAPPENEDTHEYMADEBACONMINTS!!!!!!!!

Uh, wait…let me try to catch my breath and say that a little more calmly…

Oh my GODTHEYMAKEBACONMINTS!!!! THEYREALLYMAKEMINTSTHATTASTELIKEBACON!!!!!!

Must compose myself so I can express this more intelligibly…

It is now possible to buy mints THATTASTELIKEBACONTHEYREALLYMAKEMINTSTHATTASTELIKEBACON!!!!!

I’m sorry, but I just can’t seem to contain my enthusiasm for this new product. It’s a very simple product, really. It’s just a tin of mints ANDTHEYTASTELIKEBACONBECAUSETHEYAREBACONMINTS!!!!

Somebody pinch me because this can’t be real. It’s too good to be true. How could such an amazing thing actually happen? THEYREALLYMAKEBACONMINTS!!!!!  AAAAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!!

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Egyptian Coca-Cola

It's the real thing!

It’s the real thing!

Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and Coca-Cola. For many people, Mexican Coke…er…Mexican Coca-Cola is the pinnacle of their adventurousness. It’s a bit different, but you can still read the label, so you don’t have to wonder what you’re getting. Of course, we at Armenian Fungus Cake couldn’t be satisfied with something as simple as soda from Mexico. We had to go a bit further, at least figuratively speaking. In our travels, we came across this bottle of كوكا كولا. Yes, that’s genuine Coca-Cola, and we at least think it came from Egypt.

There’s not much to say about it, since thanks to the wonders of global homogeneity,  it tastes basically the same as Mexican Coca-Cola or any other variety that uses real sugar as a sweetener. The good news, at least, is that next time you’re on an archaeological expedition in a remote region of northern Africa, you can rest assured that you’ll be able to ask for a كوكا كولا and get a taste of home. You can also rest assured that you’ll have to pay taxes on that bubbly beverage. As for the death part, well, try not to do the death part. Taxes and Coca-Cola should be enough certainty for anyone.

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Ginbis Dream Animals

Ooh...cookies!

Ooh…cookies!

Thanks to Ginbis Four Seas Foods, we finally have an excuse to eat cookies. Just like us, Ginbis’ motto is “we are dreaming of sweets!” But one thing we never dreamed of is that there would one day arrive a coconut-flavored cookie that was also educational. How could anyone pass up the opportunity to dive into a box of enlightening edibles? It might be the most guilt-free gourmandise in history.

The lesson of Ginbis starts out simply: the cookies are imprinted with the name (in English) of the animal they represent. This is a good way to get oneself in the mood to learn, and is a nice confidence booster. But it soon starts to get more difficult: the cookies begin making a distinction between “duck” and “m. duck”. It’s important to understand this distinction, since it will probably be on the test. Then more obscure animals start popping up, like “tapir”. Do you know what a tapir is? Because I don’t. I ate a tapir cookie, but I still don’t know what a tapir is. I hope the midterm doesn’t involve writing a paper about tapirs.

Then, just as it seems that tapirs are the worst of it, the vocabulary list comes into play. It has pictures of all the animals, which at least helps to distinguish between “duck” and “m. duck”. Apparently, ducks face to their left, while m. ducks face to their right. So, mental note: if it faces to the right, it’s an m. duck. I think I have that under control. At least the picture of the tapir helps to explain what it is, since the cookie was quite unhelpful. A tapir is some kind of fat long-nosed bear that walks on its hind legs. A tapir is a bloated bipedal bear. Bloated bipedal bear. Yeah, that’s how I’ll remember what a tapir is.

I didn't know what I was getting in to!

I didn’t know what I was getting in to!

After a few more cookies, it’s now obvious that this is going to be a lot harder than I expected. The list of animals includes the English name, the Japanese katakana pronunciation of that name, and the corresponding kanji name of the animal. Here I thought I was going to be breezing through a simple course in animal names, and now it turns out these cookies were actually planning to teach me Japanese. I’m really going to have to cram if I want to be able to regurgitate the difference between ducks, m. ducks, bears, polar-bears, parrots, and macaws. Plus there will probably be ten things on the final that aren’t even on the box, because that’s how it always is.

And, just to add insult to injury, the remainder of the box is a cartoon in which a lion, a monkey, and a fox decide to shirk their responsibilities and go play baseball while the rest of us are stuck trying to learn a whole new language when we were only planning to enjoy a box of cookies. Thanks a lot, lion. Keep rubbing it in. I hope a tapir robs you of a home run.

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German Chancellor Nesting Dolls

Five different bosses

Five different bosses

People often ask, “Who exactly in charge of the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations?” Usually this is in the context of questions such as, “Who’s in charge here?! I’ve been sitting in this waiting room for three months!” It also comes up when we are asked, “Don’t you ever get anything done? Where is your manager?!”

We normally don’t like to talk about this, since we prefer to think of ourselves as independent investigators who answer to no one, but the reality is that our agency is in fact controlled by a secretive quintumvirate that only rarely allows itself to be photographed.

Unfortunately, all of your recent complaints caused us to receive a surprise visit from the FBFCR leadership, and believe me, that wasn’t a pleasant experience. They berated us for our overall lack of productivity, and especially for our unhelpful attitude toward the Secret Society of Artificial Potatoes. Apparently we’re supposed to actually help troubled tubers instead of just sitting around eating junk food.

Before any more of you complain, I’d like you to see just what we’re up against. Pictured above, you see the managers who will punish us even more severely the next time one of you says that we’re a bunch of lazy bums who never get anything done. From left to right, our bosses are: Angie, Jerry, the Helmuts, and Lil’ Willy. You probably only have one boss. We have five different bosses right now. As you can see, Angie is the big boss. Jerry is Angie’s right-hand man, except when he’s on her left. The Helmuts always travel as a pair, so that reduces the effective number of boss combinations that we might encounter. But they’re still two bosses, and it’s like a full-fledged tag-team beat-down when they’re on your case. The only thing worse is when Lil’ Willy decides to take matters into his own hands. I don’t think I could survive that for a second time.

So, next time you have a bit of a disagreement with your boss, just think of us and our supervisory situation. At least you don’t have to spend half your time trying to find a place to hide from the Helmuts.

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