Monthly Archives: August 2015
Make way for the newest superhero…the Hero Doctor Fountain Pen! The Hero Doctor has many useful superpowers, including a bladder-fill system that allows it to squirt ink from the tip just like the pens in old cartoons.
In fact, that is actually the Hero Doctor’s only superpower. It can shoot ink like a squid. And it’s more of a dribble than anything else. What did you expect from a cheap knock-off superhero anyway? I mean, there’s also the disorienting burgundy color, but I’m not sure that counts as a superpower.
The Hero Doctor pen is manufactured by the Shanghai Hero Pen Factory Co. Ltd., which, according to its backstory, is the same factory where the now-retired Parker 51 fountain pen was produced. At least I think that’s still the current story. It might have been retconned into being some kind of interplanetary base in the most recent issue, but I haven’t had a chance to read that one yet.
Like any good superhero, the Hero Doctor Fountain Pen also has enemies. In particular, there are agents of evil who produce $1.50 counterfeit copies of this $2.00 pen. To fight against these flagitious falsifiers, the Hero Doctor includes a scratch-off certificate of authenticity bearing a 15-digit number that somehow marks it as legitimate. This particular sample bears a code number of 7495 3069 2746 670. Hopefully that’s just an arbitrary number, because I really don’t want to accidentally give away any more missile launch codes. Remember what a mess it was last time that happened?
Anyway, I’m satisfied that this Hero Doctor is the real thing and that I haven’t invited an impostor into the fold. The last thing I want to do is to be called back in by the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations to investigate a counterfeit pen. I don’t think it’s even edible, but I’m sure they’d find a way to say that it was part of my job description to track down the culprit. That’s what they mean by “other duties as assigned.”
Today we bring you the story of Papa Puff Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs. Well, not the real story, since there is already a story of Papa Puff on the back of the package. We consider this to be completely unacceptable, as it is our job to come up with fanciful stories inspired by fluorescent green corn puffs. Accordingly, the actual story of Papa Puff will not be reproduced here. Instead, we will express our disapproval by calling your attention to some of the irregularities involving Papa Puff and his green melon-flavored corn curls.
First of all, the Papa Puff Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs are a very disturbing shade of green and are shaped like small caterpillars. The color would be much less disturbing on a caterpillar, but we are operating on the assumption that Papa Puff would not feed us caterpillars.
This green color becomes even more unsettling when one realizes that Papa Puff’s hair, mustache, and beard have all taken on the same hue as the Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs. While honey melon puffs are obviously quite delicious, we are still debating whether or not it is worth turning that color in exchange for all that honey melony goodness. This is not to say that turning green isn’t part of our grand plan. It’s just that Papa Puff Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs might not be the way we choose to do it.
Finally, the way in which Papa Puff delivers the Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs strikes us as a bit unorthodox. It would appear that he regurgitates them from his mouth, much in the way a mother bird would feed a baby bird. I mean, it’s unlikely that a bird would feed its offspring anything as sugar-laden and brightly colored as Papa Puff Honey Melon Flavor corn puffs, but if Papa Puff were a mother bird and you were a baby bird, it sure looks like you’d be in for a mouthful of regurgitated corn puffs.
Of course all of this matters little to Papa Puff, as he’s off having whatever adventure was detailed on the back of the bag of corn puffs. Again, that adventure will not be discussed here, because coming up with stuff like that is supposed to be our thing.
“Look at me! I’m evil and cruel and environmentally irresponsible! I contribute to health problems and might even cause cancer! Not to mention that I will make you obese! And worst of all, I’m murder! MURDER!”
Do you know what that is? That’s a vegan imitation of meat. Did you know that vegans do such good imitations of meat? Neither did I until I met Veggie Jerky.
Now ordinarily the best course of action would be to simply ignore someone like Veggie Jerky until you can make your escape and return to your bacon-carpeted meat lair. But sometimes you’re forced to endure the vegan imitation of meat, and when that happens your only option is to at least give it a fair chance.
As it turns out, the MSG-free, preservative-free, cholesterol-free, GMO-free Veggie Jerky is actually a rather tasty snack. It does a reasonably good job of approximating the texture and flavor of real meat jerky, which is more than can be said for most vegan imitations of meat.
Of course you still have to listen to Veggie Jerky imitating all of the horrible aspects of meat, but at least you don’t have to eat kale while you’re doing it. Just go to your happy place and remind yourself that you’ll soon be back where even the bowls are made of bacon.
The characters depicted in this sketch are fictional. Any similarity to actual vegans is purely coincidental. Yeah, coincidental. That’s the word…
Now we’re pleased to announce the latest innovation in your favorite European hazelnut and cream crem: Eurocrem JAR. No longer will you have to struggle to extract your beloved Eurocrem from a BLOK. You won’t have to solve mathematical equations while trying to squeeze a bit of Eurocrem from the center of a filled fatty biscuit. Because now there’s Eurocrem JAR.
This revolutionary new product delivery system allows you to enjoy pure hazelnut crem and pure cream crem side-by-side in a round resealable container: a JAR. The makers of Eurocrem JAR are clearly proud of their new invention. As you may recall, our handlers aren’t willing to spring for the paid version of a translation app, but we’re pretty sure that the slogan on the JAR says something like, “Crem jar is best jar!”
So if you’re sick of the BLOK and don’t want to calculate your crem, try Eurocrem JAR. It’s the most creative crem concoction ever!
if you liked the italian
version of e. frutti gummi candy
then we have good news for you
because now it comes in mexican
but if you were offended by
the italian stereotypes on the
previous package then prepare
to be even more upset
the mexican version of a gummi
candy lunch includes classics such as
corn and chili con carne and some
yellow stuff with chunks
but it also has an unexplained
mexican hot dog and a red
candy pepper that was surprisingly
good and almost too spicy
it doesn’t contain any fat or peanuts
because the e. frutti people care about
your health while you’re eating
sugary versions of real food
but it does have some pictures of cartoon mexicans
wearing big sombreros because it’s apparently still
1940 somewhere and the way that corn cob is
looking at me makes me feel harassed
We tried to warn you. Almost two years ago, we tried to warn you. But did you listen? No. Of course not. We told you all of the things that make chickens angry, and we even showed you a chicken that was already starting to get really upset. Apparently that wasn’t enough for you.
So, what did you do? Did you make jambalaya? Did you play the crwth? Did you run around spouting off about all of the 57 things that you and your 57 friends were going to do for 57 days and 57 nights?
Oh, it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Just look over there and see what you’ve done. You’ve upset the chickens. You’ve enraged the chickens. You’ve brought forth the devil chickens from the deepest pits of hell. And now they’re going to eat us. Do you understand that? Do you even understand that a little bit?!
We’re going to be the strange snacks for a horde of demonic chickens with horns and pitchforks. Because of you. THE CHICKENS ARE COMING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Wouldn’t you like to at least know exactly how fast this plague of provoked poultry is going to spread? Wouldn’t you like to know when the chickens are going to come for you? Well, so would I, but we can’t even compute that because the mathematical model for their rate of spread can only be calculated using integration by parts. And integration by parts is one of the things that makes chickens angry! Please at least tell me that you didn’t cause the downfall of the human race by willingly doing integration by parts. That would just be adding insult to injury.
I bet you also did some of those things that make fish vomit. You just had to do your diorama about Lord of the Flies, didn’t you? You couldn’t do it about Macbeth like a normal person. You had to be different. Well, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Do you see any vomiting fish around? No? Do you know why? Because the devil chicken ate all of the vomiting fish! And if the chicken ate fish that were vomiting red and green confetti, do you really think it won’t eat you too?!
If by some chance you finish reading this before being devoured by a raging rooster, maybe you could try some Atori Spicy-X Tom Yam Seafood Biscuit Sticks. They even include mabin tomato sauce, but not in cups as is shown on the package. No, the sauce comes in a couple of sad little pouches. And you know what? The chicken doesn’t even care. The sauce is in pouches, and resistance is not an option. You will use what the chicken gives you.
In the meantime, I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but wait for the fateful fowl. Somehow I always knew it would end like this. I mean, you can’t really tell anyone that you expect to be eaten by a giant demonic barnyard creature, because then you get put back in that special room where everything is soft and nothing is pointy. But I knew this was going to happen. I always kn…