Evening, readers. I’ve missed you.
Today, I bring to you a short composite account of the various, often humorous, trials and tribulations of Benito Mussolini, beginning with his early life. To preface this, these stories come from a variety of different sources, of various levels of expertise, so don’t blame me if they’re eventually disproven.
For one, Mussolini was a troubled child who, surprise surprise, was often violent, and genrally problem riddled. More interestingly, he was raised a socialist. Sound strange? That’s because he went on to run a fascist– the first, mind you– fascist dictatorship. He was raised SO socialist, in fact, that his middle name was Juarez, making his full name Benito Juarez Mussolini. If that sounds familiar, it’s because Benito Juarez was a prominent Mexican socialist politician. Back to his childhood. One of the few successful actions carried out by Mussolini took place during this period, in which he led a successful strike against his school’s cafeteria. I hope the improved spaghetti (don’t you love racial profiling?) was worth it, Mussolini. Ironically enough, Mussolini would also try his hand at being a school teacher later in his life. It didn’t work out. When he wasn’t a school teacher, Mussolini worked at two socialist newspapers, one of which he created, and then eventually turned fascist. However, journalism wasn’t Mussolini’s only written escapade. At one point, he decided to be an author of, wait for it, Erotic Literature. Kinky. Unsurprisingly, the book was terrible. So terrible, in fact, that when Benito became leader, despite his monstrous ego, he decreed that the book be banned.
Before he was dictator, Mussolini, was, like Hitler, a soldier in World War One. However, unlike Hitler, who was a war hero, Mussolini was famous for a much different military venture. In this instance, Mussolini held a grenade launcher, or some other projectile explosive expeller, and fired. It malfunctioned, and killed all of Mussolini’s friends. Oops. Despite these faults, Mussolini did eventually make it into office, where his blunders remained. When he had first created Italy as a fascist dictatorship, he went to flaunt it. He started with fellow European countries, who were understandably unimpressed. The humor starts when he tried to impress a young female Italian journalist. She entered his office and saw that his walls were covered with various pictures of Mussolini, whether he was on a horse, dressed like a Roman soldier, in military fatigues, thinking, painting, drawing, writing, or something completely different. She was unimpressed, and slightly perturbed.
One of the best stories from Mussolini’s reign, and the final one I will tell today, comes from the famous tale of one of Mussolini’s great accomplishments: making the trains run on time. He did this by killing the conductors that didn’t fulfill Mussolini’s reputation. It was super effective, with one exception. There was a train that ran through a set of Italian mountains, which, along with a general lack of yearning to get back to Rome and see Mussolini, caused the train to be late. So, Mussolini, being the cutting-edge dictator that he was, decided to have the conductor sent to the electric chair (punny, I know). It didn’t work. The conductor wouldn’t die. So, Mussolini tried it again. It still didn’t work. Finally, he increased the power tremendously, and the conductor would not die. So, Mussolini made the obvious logical conclusion that the conductor was under protection from god, and would be allowed to run his train however he pleased.
So, in summary, Mussolini was sort of like the deadbeat older brother of the fascist family. His rule may not have even survived the entirety of World War II, but his stories will forever live on as being incredibly ridiculous, and incredibly humorous.