I know that it’s challenging, folks. I know that, sometimes, the urge is terrible. You sit with your canned beverage in hand, knowing that it’s missing…something. You just want to undo your tie, untuck your shirt, and run outside, drink in hand. I promise, I understand that you just want to pick the grass from the ground, and grind it up in your palm, and simply sprinkle it into your liquid snack.
You’ve tried to reduce the urge, I can tell. The stress and pain has weighed down on you severely. You’re constantly tired, there are bags underneath your eyes, and your hair is turning grey. All you want is to consume some grass, by whatever means. But you can’t. There is too much social stigma against consuming grass and leaves that you just can’t bring yourself to do it. You don’t want to face the ridicule of a modern, anti-grass digestion world.
Now, fret no longer, for I come to you with a solution. Made with technology from the East, courtesy of Hong Van (which looks disturbingly like Hang Man from a distance), your urges will not be eliminated, but satisfied.
“How?” you may ask. To answer your questions in advance, not as a patch, not as a supplement, not as a pill or shot, but as gelatinous grass cubes set into a drink–Grass Jelly Drink.
You may well cringe at the curious name of this beverage. I promise you, that’s just the haters getting inside of your head. Grass Jelly Drink is the premier way to get in your grassy needs without facing the judgmental public. See, with breathtaking new technology, the scientists of Hong Van realized that the best way to please the grass-loving masses is to take the dried leaves and stalks of a certain kind of mint, boil them with potassium and starch, and then cool the ingredients into jelly, before slicing them up into tiny little cubes and putting them in a beverage with a similar flavor. That is the magic of science!
With a can of Grass Jelly drink, you can regain your happiness and vigor. Spend time with your family and friends! Work harder and be smarter! You no longer have to worry about carrying through your life unsatisfied.
If you don’t believe me, regard some of my completely non-paid, non-actor, and non-kidnapped by the Hong Van company customer testimonials!
Cletus, from North Carolina, says: “Reminds me of the old days, when we could just eat handfuls o’ grass without no one caring. That was before those Northern city boys came in and…*mumble*mumble*sympathized*mumble*mumble*Confederates.”
Excellent. Thank you Cletus. Now, we’ll hear from Jane, of Rhode Island, who says: “I used to love eating grass as a child, but never really grew out of it. My boss never let me go out on grass eating breaks, so I was incredibly happy when I was introduced to Grass Jelly Drink. It’s changed my life! Once you get over the oil-spill green, the floating slimy grass jelly pieces, and the incredibly sweet taste, the experience is wonderful. I would even recommend it to non grass eaters! It tastes like a candied forrest in your mouth!”
Well, you’ve heard it from those who’ve tried it. Even I have, and I couldn’t agree with our happy customers more. I was never a grass eater, but I was introduced to Grass Jelly Drink and I loved it. I would certainly have it again, even with the odd floaty bits and the off-putting sweetness and green color.
So, if you suffer from not being able to eat the grass you love, or if you’re an adventurous eater who wants a tasty drink, Hong Van’s Grass Jelly Drink is the best choice for you!