Everyone loves their coffee, right? That’s why there’s a Starbucks on every corner and inside every grocery store. Pretty soon there will probably be a Starbucks inside of a Starbucks. Until a couple of hours ago, I was probably the last person on Earth over the age of 10 who hadn’t had coffee from Starbucks. That changed when a colleague announced that he was going to Starbucks and asked if I wanted anything. I had heard that Starbucks was known for deliciously decadent coffee creations, so I suggested that he could get me something good involving coffee.
Now I should mention that I’m not a coffee drinker. What this means is that I’ve had a couple of sips of plain black coffee in my entire life. Thus, I had nothing to prepare me for what I was about to experience.
When the colleague returned from Starbucks, he handed me a cup of brown liquid containing brown chunks and topped with brown whipped cream. Written in black marker on the side was the mysterious designation “MCCF”. I looked this up and determined that I was about to experience a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. It all sounded so innocent at the time. I mean, it had cookie crumbles in it. What could possibly go wrong?
I took a sip, and then another, and I found that this coffee creation lived up to all promises of delicious decadence. In fact, by the time I was halfway through I was already planning my next trip to partake of more seductively sweet Starbucks stuff. Then, strange things started to happen. My thoughts started to move faster and faster. I found my eyes darting from one thing to another, and I was unable to concentrate on anything. I felt an odd sensation of energy throughout my body, but not the type of energy that would lead to useful work. More like the type of energy that would make me want to run around in circles and shout random nonsense. Then my hands began to shake. As slowly as I could (which is to say, extremely rapidly), I walked over to my colleague’s office and mentioned to him that the coffee drink had been quite potent. I found myself talking very quickly and almost continuously, and I was powerless to slow down my ever-accelerating speech. My mind was going in 500 directions at once, and I realized that the “acting” part of my brain was getting ahead of the “thinking” part of my brain for the first time that I could remember.
Suddenly, everything that had mystified me about life made sense. I understood why drivers raged at each other on the road. I understood why people got into fights over the slightest bump. I understood why co-workers could never seem to concentrate on anything for more than a few moments at a time, and why it was so hard for them to speak slowly when they were giving a presentation. I was having an existential epiphany while tripping on a glorified milkshake.
Obviously, no one else in the world has such a low tolerance for caffeine, so they can’t expect to have a vision quest from drinking a venti. But now that I’m starting to recover from this astounding analeptic, I realize that I learned many valuable lessons from this energizing experience.
Also, I’m giving up all caffeine effective immediately. That’s some nasty stuff.