Due to recent incidents of ineptitude, the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations has decided that its agents can no longer be entrusted with dangerous objects such as power tools, scissors, non-plastic eating utensils, and duct tape. In addition, all agents will now be required to carry safer side arms so that they don’t hurt themselves when they slip on a piece of Instant Natural Jellyfish that has escaped from the mixing bowl.
The first option they tested was a squirt gun filled with Chrysanthemum Drink. While this was very effective against Agent Kimbel-Sannit, causing him to cower in the corner for nearly four hours, it was much less useful against marauding Mangoustanis. Many brave culinary agents were lost during that test.
Next, they built a spring-loaded rambutan cannon and tried it against a known member of the Vast Soursop Conspiracy. Though a whole regiment of rambutans was fired, these rambutans failed to go on a rampage and the cannon proved to be completely ineffective. Unfortunately, one of Wong Lo Kat’s minions was nearby when this happened. The agent who was testing the rambutan cannon is believed to be a hostage of the felonious feline, and a rescue mission is currently being planned.
The third time is usually the charm, but not when it comes to the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations. Their next brilliant idea was to have all of the agents carry a Giant Chocky Brand Stick, which would be used to fend off any enemies. I foresaw both of the major problems involved with this plan. First, the stick was only effective against attackers who were softer than Soursop Flavor Pudding. Second, Agent Kimbel-Sannit continually returned to the armory to request a new stick, claiming that his had vanished under mysterious circumstances. He became rather agitated when asked to explain the increasingly obvious brown ring that had appeared around his lips.
Never the type of agency to give up on such a scheme, the FBFCR next decided to re-use the rambutan cannon, but this time to fill it with Adlay Oatmeal Deluxe and test it on the other agents. This resulted in one minor eye injury from a particularly potent piece of Devil’s Tongue. It also required $1,500 worth of post-traumatic stress therapy for Agent Kimbel-Sannit after he began experiencing Adlay Oatmeal Deluxe flashbacks and hallucinating an onslaught of six-foot-long mung beans.
As a last resort, the Bureau purchased a Pink Whale Bubble Gun from a local car wash. I was assigned to try this one first, and I was expecting it to be yet another failure. The package included some very personal promises, such as, “I can make colorful bubbles” and “I’m your lovely friend.” Neither of these seemed to be particularly intimidating, but after so many previous failures, I had no choice but to give this wacky weapon an equitable evaluation. I carefully attached the aqueous ammunition and pulled the trigger. After some initial difficulty, a steady stream of bubbles began to issue from the mouth of the pink plastic whale. These bubbles were illuminated by a small LED in the whale’s mouth, and they were accompanied by sound effects that were straight out of a 1950s science fiction film. Neither of these traits seemed to comport with the whale’s claim of being my “lovely friend”, but perhaps that is all part of its clandestine cover.
I’ve obtained special permission from the FBFCR to share this footage with you:
Further tests proved that the Pink Whale Bubble Gun was going to be a huge success. Everyone on whom this silly side arm was tested ended up being paralyzed with laughter long enough to allow them to be safely subdued. It is expected that the agents who go on the rescue mission to the lair of Wong Lo Kat will all be equipped with Pink Whale Bubble Guns.
Should you ever encounter a seemingly normal personal carrying a Pink Whale Bubble Gun, I would encourage you to simply keep right on walking. Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations agents don’t appreciate being recognized, and you certainly wouldn’t want them using that thing on you.