Pionir Karamela Lesnik

Posted by on July 8, 2012

Be ready!

Alright Pioneers, shall we get started?

For peace and socialism be ready!

For peace and socialism be ready!

For peace and socialism be ready!

Really? Nothing? This is the point where you’re supposed to respond with, “always ready!” Didn’t you know that? Oh well. We’ll try it again next time. Now, let’s sing some of those rousing Pioneer songs, such as “Greetings, Pioneers”, “Our Homeland Has Smartened Itself Up”, “Song of the Young Nature Researchers”, and “Do You Have Any Waste Paper?”

Let’s start with “Do You Have Any Waste Paper?” That’s surely the best song ever written within 100 kilometers of Karl-Marx-Stadt. You start, then I’ll join in…

One, two, three, four!

Have you really forgotten the words to “Do You Have Any Waste Paper?” How about “Our Homeland Has Smartened Itself Up.” Do you remember that one? No? What’s going on here?

Always ready!

Wait, what? It’s not that kind of Pioneer? But I had all this Pioneer material ready! With the Lenin and the Thälmann and the Karl-Marx-Stadt. What do you mean they don’t call it Karl-Marx-Stadt anymore?! Chemnitz? Chemnitz?! Are you kidding me? What kind of a name is that? And what am I supposed to do with all these neckerchiefs?

Oh well. Forget it. Just forget it. We’ll do it live. I said we’ll do it live!

Pionir Karamela Lešnik apparently has nothing to do with all of that old Communist propaganda. Instead, it’s a bunch of individually wrapped caramel candies that come in a bag proclaiming “more than 90 years of friendship.” That sure sounded Communist to me, but I was apparently misinformed. The bag also depicts large hazelnuts, and the wrappers give the impression that the caramels are going to contain one of those big hazelnuts right in the middle.

The sad truth is that, much like the body of a Trabant 601, the candies consist of a fine hazelnut powder held together by a dry caramel paste. The whole mixture is supplemented by a bit of hydrogenated vegetable fat, and what isn’t used to make small cars with two-stroke engines gets bagged up and shipped off for consumption.

Pionir Karamela Lešnik

Overall these caramels are chalky and unremarkable. If I hadn’t gotten my Pioneers mixed up, I probably would have just stayed in bed today. But, since we’re here, let’s at least sing a verse from that favorite Pioneer song “We’re Harvesting The Hazelnuts To Save The Homeland From Being Overrun.” Oh, you’ve never heard that one? You know, you’re a disgrace to Pioneers everywhere. In fact, I bet you’re the miscreant who’s been posting those anonymous handbills criticizing our fine wall! I shall report you to the People’s Police at once!

Uh, you know. The wall. The Wall!

WHAAAAAAT?!!

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