Toothpick Auto-Case Bird

Posted by on July 18, 2012

Good Morning, readers. Before you is a stylized representation of an interrogation I had with a supposed East Mangoustani spy:

 

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

What do you know about the Vast Soursop Conspiracy!?

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

Stop mocking me!

Head down

Pick up

Give me an answer!

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

How did you become privy to this information!?

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

TELL ME!

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

Head down

I SAID TELL ME. you petroleum based avian bastard!

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

YOU MANIAC!

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

You won’t get anywhere by not talking!

Head down

Pick up

Head down

Do you have weapon blueprints!?

Pick up

Head down

Pick up

AGH!!!!

Swish

Bang

Crrkshplgn

 

“Sir!”

“Yes, agent Kimbel-Sannit?”

“The bird wouldn’t talk. I started reciting Planet of the Apes and flung it against the wall.”

“That’s unfortunate. Who did you quote?”

“Charlton Heston.”

“Well, I guess it isn’t the worst possible scenario. Why do you think it wouldn’t talk?”

“Well…it was a plastic bird. You pressed its head down, and it picked up a toothpick. Honestly, it could be quite handy in more civilian circumstances.”

This blue bird is red

“Don’t complement the enemy. Are you…red?”

“No, I swear! I’m just saying… We don’t even know if it was an enemy. But it could have been. I swear it was trying to lull me into sleep before killing me by being so monotonous.”

“Good point, Kimbel-Sannit.”

That surmises my experience with the Toothpick Auto-Case Bird. We later found out that it wasn’t a spy, but an incredibly confusing, and perturbing, decoy. As we struggled with the baffling blue bird, several Mangoustani agents made it in to the FBFCR headquarters, but managed to be hypnotized by the Pink Whale, and subsequently suffocate on the barrage of ballooning bubbles. We eventually reconstructed the bird, and it now sits on my desk. Upon further inspection, I realized that the bird was Chinese, which probably explains the fact that it wasn’t a Mangoustani spy. There wasn’t any recording equipment inside of it, so chances are, it isn’t a Chinese spy either. However, I’ve heard that the Chinese are occasionally in cahoots with the East Mangoustanis (We’re now banned in China). We realized that it would make more sense to inspect the bird more thoroughly, but that made too much sense for the FBFCR. Practicality is a communist ideology. We did, however, take a video of the bird and its actions, as well as the probably dangerous receptacle that we found it in.

Thankfully, the whole ordeal was over before anything terrible happened. Albeit, several Mangoustani spies managed to internally drown, but they don’t matter, since they’re trying to destroy our pure and virginal daughters.

Regardless, I survived, as did my cohort, and we live to write and eat another day.

Regards,

(Agent) Arren

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