A while ago, the Armenian Fungus Cake team broke the story of alien brains masquerading as organic roasted chestnuts. It was a revelation that shocked the snacking world and resulted in the re-writing of many popular holiday songs. This isolated incident of alien invasion under the guise of festive nuts was worrisome, but it was believed that the unwelcome visitors had been repelled, or at least appeased.
Recently, a new threat came to the attention of the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations (which is also tasked with investigating reports of extraterrestrial edibles). A canister claiming to contain coconut cookies had been discovered, and upon inspection by an FBFCR agent, it was clear that the colorful confections were not of this world. Instead of traditional round cookies, there were dozens of white, green, and pink slug-like shapes in the container. The quick thinking agent immediately quarantined the area and placed the invasion capsule into a wheeled metallic cage for safe keeping.
Back at the lab, we conducted many tests on these strangely shaped cookies in an attempt to determine whether or not they were an alien invasion force. After the incident with the organic roasted chestnuts, we learned that if it looks like an alien it probably is an alien. The worm-like appearance was our first clue, followed by the decidedly non-culinary pastel hues. The cleverly constructed invasion canister had a drawing of two rabbits on it, presumably in an effort to make it seem innocuous, but we at the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations knew better than to be fooled by that.
No amount of poking, prodding, or shaking would awaken these indolent invaders, so we were left with no choice but to perform a taste test. The “cookies” were devilishly dessicated, and crumbled to a powder almost instantly upon consumption. With no way to interrogate these crooked cookies, we had to engage in wild speculation in order to complete this report and move on with our next case.
The Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations has determined that these so-called cookies were actually a mercenary force hired by the aliens whose brains we commonly refer to as “chestnuts”. While we don’t know exactly what revenge these soldiers of fortune were tasked with inflicting, we can feel fortunate that their invasion canisters were poorly constructed and they didn’t survive the journey through the vacuum of space.
So, dear readers, you may rest comfortably tonight, secure in the knowledge that yet another alien alimentary assault has been avoided. The Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations always stands ready to protect you from edible evil, both terrestrial and extraterrestrial.