Intruders can strike at any time, wreaking havoc on your peaceful home. But a full home security system can cost thousands of dollars, not to mention the expensive monthly monitoring fees.
Just look at the menacing fellow to the left. The one with the shifty eyes and the black balaclava. Can’t you tell that he’s up to no good? I mean, when was the last time you ever had a friendly house guest who arrived wearing a black balaclava? It would be different if it were a pink balaclava with a floral pattern, or even perhaps a comforting shade of chartreuse. But it’s not. The bad man is breaking into your house right now! And here you are, reading a comedy blog with no thousand-dollar security system to protect you! What are you going to do?!
You’ve probably seen ads for security systems on TV. And I bet you wish you had one right now. But you don’t! You spent your money on trips to Tao Kae Noi Land and the world’s best moulded chocolate cookies. Well, all that fried seaweed and modified food starch isn’t going to do you much good now, is it? Go ahead. Try throwing some French cookies at the bad man with the black balaclava. You’re just going to upset him more!
Now that I have you worked up into a frenzy of fear, let me tell you about a special offer: the Intrud Alert Home Alert System! Unlike security systems you may have seen on TV, this one requires no professional installation, no monthly monitoring fees, and no complicated keypads! You can save hundreds of dollars by installing it yourself. Why give that money to a security company, when you could keep it in your pocket and spend it on dragonfruits instead?
How much would you be willing to pay for this revolutionary home security system? (Remember, the bad man with the balaclava is coming to get you this very instant!) Would you pay $500? $800? $1,000? You’d probably pay anything for this security system that’s similar to those seen on TV. But thanks to our special offer, today only, we’re slashing the cost of the Intrud Alert Home Alert System! You won’t pay $500, $300, or even $100! If you order now, you can purchase the Intrud Alert for our wholesale cost. You can have this security system that’s very much like the ones you’ve seen on TV for the low, low price of only one dollar! That’s right, only one dollar to keep all of the bad men with black balaclavas away from your humble home! Don’t wait for the fear to pass. You’re terrified now, so pick up the phone and order before the effects of this infomercial wear off!
Have you ordered yet? Well, have you?
NOTE: Intrud Alert is not effective against bad men wearing pink balaclavas, men who commit burglary for reasons other than general badness, or female burglars (with or without balaclavas). Intrud Alert will not stop burglars who are wearing Zorro masks, football helmets, fedoras, or Groucho Marx glasses. Do not adhere Intrud Alert to humans or animals. Intrud Alert is not edible. Under some circumstances, Intrud Alert may exhibit glossolalia. Should this occur, perform the appropriate exorcism ritual(s) on Intrud Alert and on all members of the household who have come in contact with Intrud Alert. If Intrud Alert begins to glow, immediately evacuate a 5-mile area and contact the nuclear energy authorities. Bad men in black balaclavas were hired for the purposes of this demonstration. Alien abduction may still occur even when using Intrud Alert. Sorry, no refunds.