This is the story of the most dangerous mission I’ve ever undertaken as an agent of the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations. After months of hearing about Wong Lo Kat only in rumors, an opportunity to infiltrate the hideout of this felonious feline finally presented itself.
The intelligence we gathered thanks to the case of B.G. Telephone Brand Registered Sat-Isagbol Psyllium Husk(!) indicated that Wong Lo Kat’s custom-designed electronic litter box (with air conditioning and six-stage charcoal filter) had malfunctioned. When he called for service, we intercepted his conversation and devised a plan.
The other agents moved quickly to incapacitate the real repair technician (using a Pink Whale Bubble Gun, of course), while I changed into his uniform and drove away in his 1983 Opel Kadett. Apparently, electronic litter box repair doesn’t pay as well as some people say it does. At least the poor guy was able to afford a little plastic bobble-head dachshund to go in the back window.
When I arrived at the lair of Wong Lo Kat, I found it cleverly disguised as an ordinary office building. But I knew better than to fall for this deception. This was where I would finally meet the most criminal of all cats and learn the identity of the world’s most felonious feline. I walked calmly into the building, and I was greeted by one of Kat’s human helpers. But his true henchmen, his calico collaborators, were all around. Everywhere I looked, a cat was lounging on the furniture or sauntering across the floor. It was clear that I was in the right place; the cats were in charge here.
In spite of his predicament, he kept me waiting for quite some time. This allowed me to casually examine the trophies from some of his criminal capers. The cats kept a very close eye on my while I looked at the jewel-encrusted preserved duck eggs, the solid gold can of grass jelly drink, and, rarest of all, the fresh mangosteen fruit. In the middle of the spacious lobby was Wong Lo Kat’s preferred means of transportation: a 1929 Chrysler Roadster. I nonchalantly looked inside. As I did, an enormous orange cat looked back at me and let out a perturbed meow. I jumped back a bit, startled at this unexpected tabby tantrum. For a moment I was concerned that I had given myself away, since anyone who was truly welcome in Kat’s hideout would be expecting such a thing. Fortunately, the other felines were distracted by a shadow on the wall, and the humans were too busy catering to the cats’ every whim.
Finally, I was called in to see Wong Lo Kat himself. Trying to hide my trepidation, I entered his office and announced that I was here to repair his electronic litter box (with air conditioning and six-stage charcoal filter). I found him sitting on a huge velvet pillow, surrounded by human helpers who were feeding him, brushing him, and generally scrambling around to try to keep him happy. It was quite obvious that anyone who displeased Wong Lo Kat would live to regret it.
I slowly approached the litter box, but as I did, Wong Lo Kat meowed loudly. I looked back toward him, and I immediately recognized the terrifying message that he was sending me. On his desk were eggs, mushrooms, flour, Brussels sprouts, and hand sanitizer: the five symbols of the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations. Kat had set a trap for me, and I had walked right into it. For a moment, I considered trying to run, but I knew I was no match for his house-cat henchmen. I resigned myself to my fate; I was to be a prisoner of Wong Lo Kat. That is, if he was the type to take prisoners.
Just then I remembered the Precision Screwdriver Set that I was carrying, and the unexplained tool that it contained. In a last-ditch effort to save myself, I pulled out the mystery tool (the one that was underneath a picture of a clock with an X through it) and aimed it directly at Wong Lo Kat. There was a sudden flash of light, and everything seemed to stand completely still.
I made a hasty exit from the lair and sped away in the 1983 Opel Kadett. The little propeller that the previous owner had stuck on the dashboard seemed to make it go that much faster. I returned to the FBFCR office and immediately reported what had happened. It seems that our enemies are more powerful than we had realized.
Wong Lo Kat is also a type of Chinese herbal tea. It tastes like herbal tea. Whatever.