Good Morning, readers.
Let’s be blunt. Armenian Fungus Cake is going through some rough times. The espionage committed by the Russian spies left our website economically crippled. We knew from the start that we would need to make some sacrifices to keep the website afloat. Originally, we were going to take away funding from the quality department because our iPads are awesome, but our advisors convinced us to do otherwise. So, we sold off our electronic equipment to the local pawnshop, fired the advisors that stopped us from dooming the website (In hindsight, this was a bad move) and we moved out of our office. I now live in a Feng Shui kiosk in my local mall, and hitchhike to the library every day to write an article on an early 2000’s eMac. However, some have been charitable. I was offered a 2000 Dodge Neon with a near-broken timing belt, which I gladly accepted. When pulling out of the parking lot, I felt a loud thunk, got out of the car, and saw that my engine was on the ground.
I started impersonating Jimmy Fallon impersonating Bob Dylan in front of my local coffee shop, and I accumulated enough money to fund some very small purchases. The first step was to replace some of our electrical equipment. David and I started out at a consignment store, and realized that even the electronics there were out of our range. So, we moved on to a 99 cent store. Here, we were fortunate.
While looking through the shelves, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye. I pulled it out of a pile of plastic pieces. It was a tablet.
I felt incredibly lucky. Admittedly, it didn’t have a touchscreen. Or a screen of any sort. Or a keyboard. Also, it was made out of plastic, and was predominantly hollow. However, there was a speaker, and a single button. This button made a variety of sounds, most of which are usually found in a phone, but I didn’t mind.
Meanwhile, David made a discovery as well. However, he found a cell phone. Unfortunately, the cell phone had the same attributes as mine. It was smaller, but it continued with the elegant design of sticker on plastic. It also had one button, which made a host of strange cellular sounds. We figured that it was better that than nothing, so we bought a disposable camera, took some pictures, and hung out by the river leading out of the nearest chemical plant to expose the images. That may have been a bad idea, as I think there’s an eye developing on my left elbow.
Once we had the technological budget figured out, it was time for us to move on to the next item on our agenda: defense. As a part of our monetary hardship, we were forced to sell all of our old FBFCR weapons. After the Russian incident, we knew that we needed more protection. We didn’t have money for any actual weapons, so we scoured strange stores searching for something sufficient. To our surprise, we found what we needed behind the shelf of the clearance section at a foreign import and novelty store. What we found was a boxing glove…of sorts. A normal boxing glove wouldn’t have been terrible, since, at one point in my life, for various complicated
reasons, I was a championship boxer in the Pyongyang circuit. But this wasn’t so much of a boxing glove as it was a jury rigged robot claw with a bulbous red fist at the end. We would be doomed in a fight using that, but I can use my repurposed Red Army fighting moves as a last resort. Besides, we’re on a tight budget.
Well, with any luck, we’ll be able to straighten out the financials before long. Until then–