Asturi Brand Waffleloos

Posted by on August 29, 2012

A-A-A Austerity References!

Good morning, readers

There are certain foods in the Western world that are simply fantastic–sandwiches, waffles, jelly, bacon…things of that sort.

It only makes sense that someone would think it a good idea to combine some of the items in this culinary pantheon, to create super foods of food-y fun. It makes sense to the point that some already have, with ever popular inventions like bacon sandwiches, jelly sandwiches, bacon and waffles, even jelly and bacon.

However, there are some that go beyond the call of duty, that take one small step for man, and one large step for people with even larger stomachs. What pioneer (not Pionir–Asturi may not have Sexy Soviet Tractors, but they probably know what toilet paper is) would be daring, cunning, and innovative enough to create a combination with say…three separate parts?

“Not possible,” you say?

Well, if so, you’re wrong, as the Greeks, the inventors of Democracy, philosophy, and public nudity among the upper class (Hey there, Prince Harry) have done it again, with Waffleloos.

But what is a Waffleloos? What did the Waffle lose? Or is the Waffle turned loose? Who would keep a Waffle only to turn it loose? With so many questions, I feel prompted to hurl a copy of the Austerity bill!

In fact, none of those are correct. After some body snatching, basic level sorcery, and a few cups of refined hemlock, the great Greek thinker Socrates told me the answer.

From his eternal wisdom, I learned that Waffleloos is not missing anything, nor did it escape the custody of someone else. In fact, it is a triple ultimate mashup combination conglomeration of mediocrity comprised of two dry waffles which, according to the wrapper were ready to eat, and need not be toasted (it lied), sandwiched around rather disgusting strawberry jam, if strawberry jam went on vacation in a Space Bag and then started a cycle of self loathing.

So, not everything touched by the Greeks turns into gold. Waffleloos, even though I purchased them next to the cash register of a fancy imports store, were quite bad.

They tasted a bit like Fig Newtons, but without any positive qualities, and they left a harsh, hot, and dusty fruit taste in the back of my throat for hours after I actually ate them.

I thought they might be promising, with the luscious looking strawberries juxtaposed with the toasty brown waffles, and the ominous but content seeming eyes peeking at me from the two O’s, but I was wrong, as these fast breaking mishmash snacks were most certainly a C-C-C-Combo Breaker.



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