Monthly Archives: October 2012
I am delighted to tell you that I have recovered from my candy possession due to the Shocking Popping Candy.
In order to do this, I required a significant amount of support from friends and family, a few exorcisms, and most importantly, some surplus Swiss Army measuring spoons. Er…Swiss measuring spoons.
See, when I worked full time for the FBFCR, I was issued, among other things, a set of Swiss Army measuring spoons, authentically manufactured by a Victorinox knockoff brand based in Hong Kong. However, due to their important historical value (they were also covered in blood and speculoos butter, which increased their selling price), I gave the set of spoons to the Official Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations Museum, which is operated out of an abandoned lemonade stand by a homeless conspiracy theorist somewhere in a D.C. subway tunnel. So, when I, in a haze of poisoned Popping Candy, saw something that looked like my non-patented Swiss Army measuring spoons in a local thrift shop, I picked them up without hesitation.
I brought them home, hoping that seeing a remnant of the good ol’ days would bring me out of my unhealthy state. Unfortunately, once I was able to focus, I realized that the measuring spoons that I acquired were not what I was hoping they were. These were not Victorinox knockoffs. They were simply knockoffs, courtesy of GamaGo, a company that I had never even heard of.
At this point, it dawned on me that I may actually have to use these spoons to bring me back to health, not just look at them.
I used the spoons, which claimed to be “Precision Crafted Measuring Multi-Spoons” to whip up a batch of Kulfa/Kulfi. At this point, I still wasn’t entirely sound, so I may have messed up the recipe slightly (it wouldn’t make sense for there to be a hamster in the recipe, but I thought it did at the time), but it didn’t matter.
I hoped that the Kulfa/i would bring me back to health…an Indian penicillin, if you will. I was more or less right, even with the hamster.
However, once I was cured, I couldn’t help but to feel conflicted. These were most certainly not the measuring spoons I knew and loved. But I used them to nurse myself back to health. Should I feel thankful for GamaGo? Mistrustful? Violent? I honestly did not know. Even worse, I now have a set of flimsy plastic measuring spoons in a flimsy plastic red casing. I had actual measuring spoons, which were more useful. The only reason I used the knockoff knockoffs was because I knew that I could write an article about it.
I suppose that this is one of the drawbacks of writing for a moderately successful comedy blog based on weird stuff. Oh well. I suppose the homeless conspiracy theorist will appreciate having them. That is, if he hasn’t been killed by a subway train yet, which tends to happen when you set up a former lemonade stand in a subway tunnel.
Welcome to another episode of Amazing Aliments! Today we’re bringing you a versatile viand from Garvi Gujarat, but before we get started, I’d like to clear up a couple of things.
First, Amazing Aliments is most emphatically not hosted by TV host Joe Gray. We thought about seeking his services, but all things considered, we decided it was best not to provoke him any more than we already have.
Second, this show is Amazing Aliments, which is not to be confused with the strikingly similar Amazing Ailments. This is the one about strange snacks. If you were expecting the episode about sleeping sickness, that’s on another channel.
Now that we have those things out of the way, let’s look at Garvi Gujarat 3-in-One Pari. The package bills these wheat crackers as being “from the heart of Gujarat”, and also describes them as being “multi use”.
The simple fact that these crackers are called “3-in-One” implies that they have at least three different uses, so we set out to determine what those uses might be. The first thing we tried, of course, was eating them. They had no flavor and were extremely dry, so obviously eating them wasn’t one of the intended uses. Next, we tried using them as environmentally friendly packaging material for items from the merchandise shop. They were a bit too hard and brittle for this task, so that was another attempted use that wasn’t very useful. Then we tried using the Garvi Gujarat 3-in-One Pari to build a makeshift boat and finally get off this dreadful little island, but just as we were about to finish, Gilligan accidentally…what? We’re not doing that one? I thought we decided we were doing that one. Well, of course I wasn’t in the planning meeting. I was still recovering from the expired Every Burger. Why aren’t we doing this one, anyway? Oh? Really? That’s just…wow. Oh my.
Our last effort to determine the usefulness of these 3-in-One Pari was using them for divination. We threw them into the air and watched as they fell to the ground. No apparent pattern emerged, which was a welcome relief considering the strange events of the past few weeks, but it still left us in the dark as to what the (at least three) uses of these crackers were. It appears that these are one Amazing Aliment that will remain forever a mystery.
What do you get the culinary connoisseur who’s eaten every burger in the world? A box of Every Burger, of course. These burgers are unlike any burger you’ve ever eaten, which I suppose also makes them unlike every burger you’ve ever eaten.
Inside every box of Every Burger are two individual packages containing about 10 pieces of Every Burger. Every bite-sized piece of Every Burger consists of two wheat crackers that look like buns, some chocolate that looks like a hamburger patty, some “white confection” that looks like cheese, and a few mysterious bits that look like sesame seeds.
This particular box of Every Burger was 55% off compared to every other box of Every Burger because it had expired a couple of days before we bought it. Unlike every other burger, it’s apparently safe to eat Every Burger even when it’s two days past its expiration date.
So next time you’re looking for a gift for the person who has everything, consider getting them Every Burger. Not every burger, but Every Burger.
Balance is important in all aspects of life. As an avid aficionado of sweet snacks, these Calorie Balance bars seemed like a good opportunity to introduce some, well, balance into the taste testing at Armenian Fungus Cake.
Unfortunately, I lost the label that contained the English explanation of these bars, so I was left trying to figure them out on my own. As far as I can tell, they contain approximately 8 centimeters of tropical fruit, as shown by the measuring tape on the front. They also cause multicolored orbs to circle around one’s torso, and they are useful for saving children (including children who are doing handstands). The back of the package is not helpful either, as it depicts the same 8 centimeters of fruit along with some kind of code that stubbornly refuses to scan.
With no clues to be found on the box, the only remaining option was to actually eat the Calorie Balance bars and try to determine what their effect would be. Once unwrapped, the bars exhibited a striking resemblance to dog biscuits. The flavor was bland, with a few bits of what seemed to be dried tropical fruit (certainly much less than 8 centimeters worth). As far as snacks go, these served primarily to leave a bad taste in my mouth which had to be taken away by eating a box of Išleri + Eurocrem = ♥♥♥ filled fatty biscuits. Of course I didn’t worry about that, since the Calorie Balance bars balanced out those chocolate-coated filled fatty biscuits. That’s the way it works, isn’t it?
I’m pleased to report that I’ve escaped from the clutches of the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony, though not without having to endure some rather unpleasant cuttlefish-flavored cuisine. In an ironic effort to completely break me, the Hegemony took away my supply of Long Kow’s Crystal Noodle Soup (6 Kinds of Mushrooms) and replaced it with Miaow Miaow Cuttlefish Flavored Crackers. It would seem that cuttlefish are the disfavored members of the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony, since the inclusion of real cuttlefish powder in these crackers didn’t stop the Hegemony from forcing me to eat them. I really wish it had stopped them since these crunchy cuttlefish crackers were positively revolting.
With an overpowering odor of fish food and a frightful flavor of, well, fish food, these morsels from Miaow Miaow (which bills itself as “The House of Snacks”) were simply a bridge too far. When I was eating mushroom soup, I could simply wait for the rescue effort that was bound to come sooner or later. But once I was forced to eat cuttlefish-flavored crackers, I had no choice but to try to remember my training and stage an escape attempt.
Rules of secrecy prevent me from revealing the exact method I used to escape from the Hegemony and their vomitous victuals, but I can tell you that it involved several toothpicks, two quarts of 75W-85 gear oil, and an inflatable Egyptian sarcophagus.
The future threat posed by the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony remains to be seen. They had always seemed harmless in the past, in spite of their constant threats, but any group possessing a weapon as foul as Miaow Miaow Cuttlefish Flavored Crackers should not be underestimated.
By the way, there was a rescue effort planned, wasn’t there? I just happened to escape before it became necessary, right? Right?
My captivity with the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony continues. For a while, I thought they were about to release me, since they seemed resigned to the fact that I wasn’t going to reveal the launch codes they were seeking. Unfortunately, a slip of the tongue while eating yet another bowl of Long Kow’s Crystal Noodle Soup (6 Kinds of Mushrooms) has gotten me into some hot water. Not literally, of course, but maybe the literal kind of hot water would have been better. (By the way, there are still only six kinds of mushrooms!)
A few days ago, while I was masticating my mushroom soup, I mumbled to myself: “I could really go for some Hajima Crispy Salmon Skin right about now.” My murmuring must not have been as quiet as I thought it was, because the guard (a giant gourami) overheard what I said and asked, “Oh, is it any good?”
“It’s great,” I replied, “especially the seafood sauce flavor. It’s spicy and lemony, with a hint of garlic. And that salmon skin is so crispy and delicious. I could eat three bags right now.”
In hindsight, this was a big mistake. But I was so sick of mushroom soup that I couldn’t help but be stirred by the opportunity to speak about salmon skin.
“Is that so?” asked the guard. “Tell me more.”
“Well, it’s made from 100% salmon skin, and there’s a salmon on the front of the package that’s saying ‘No carb,’ in case you’re on that Western Reef Diet. It’s almost 100% salmon skin, anyway. On the back, it says it’s 97% salmon skin, with the rest being spices, oil, and MSG.”
“Sounds delicious,” the guard commented, right before he came bursting into the cell and dragged me away. The Capoluccio was away on important business, so the guard delivered me to the Emperor Angelfish instead.
One of the Emperor Angelfish’s minions wrapped an electric eel around my neck, and the Emperor (or the Angelfish…I wasn’t sure how to address him) began to berate me: “For countless years, the Hegemony has been at war with the air-breathers. You came here with the opportunity to make peace, and instead you mock us with tales of how the air-breathers gorge themselves on spicy salmon skin!”
“Peace?!” I interrupted. “I didn’t come here to make peace! You brought me here against my will! Besides, crispy salmon skin is just the Asian equivalent of pork rinds.”
The Emperor flicked his tail and the electric eel gave me quite a jolt. “Silence!” he commanded. “Your offenses against the Porcine Parliament are none of my concern!” Then he continued: “Since you failed so miserably in your efforts at negotiation, we have no choice but to hold you as a prisoner of war!”
Again, I tried to remind the Emperor that he had surreptitiously snatched me from the swimming pool that suddenly sprang up overnight, but that just made him angry. He signaled the electric eel to administer a series of highly unpleasant shocks, and then ordered the guard to return me to my cell.
Apparently, I continue to underestimate the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony, to say nothing of this Porcine Parliament which I had never heard of before. Our intelligence operations have obviously been a little too lax lately. In any case, I need to find some way to escape from this undersea hegemonic headquarters. And I really hope someone will eventually remember to remove this electric eel…