Good Day, Readers
What many of you may not know about me is that I am, besides a secret agent, food/comedy blogger, and part time Israeli president, a butler and chef for the Armenian Fungus Cake/FBFCR mansion and its affiliated dressage horses, which I repurchased with mismanaged Israel bonds and am hiding in an abandoned canyon within 100 miles of Phoenix, Oregon. That business aside, my duties, outside of repossessing repossessed houses and equestrian animals, include, but are not limited to, planning menus and creating food for the AFC/FBFCR mansion and its affiliated dressage horses.
As part of my menu planning, I need to ensure that each food item perfectly complements its accompanying food items, and that each meal is separated by some sort of very simply flavored palette cleanser. This can be challenging, as food flavors in the modern world are often very complicated, and usually contain more chemicals than actual food ingredients. For example, Fabio, the duodenary dressage horse in the lineup, strongly dislikes tripple double axle pickle cool ranch nacho chips after his fava beans and before his flank steak. Rafael, the quaternary horse, also shares this opinion. On the other hand, George, the tertiary dressage parakeet, will not eat any corn or potato product that has a package that is more than [(78.31415968^2)/2 + 046.00000000000001]% blue.
Anyhow, the point I’m trying to make is that in-between-meal snacks cannot be too complicated. They have to be simple, and preferably faux-Italian.
Therefore, I was delighted to come across Jack n’ Jill Piatto’s Cheese Flavored Potato Crisps, courtesy of the Philippines. (On a different note, if so many Filipino companies make Italian snacks, is there some Italian company called Diwata and Balagtas that makes yam flavored chips?) The chips were simple, unlike previous Jack n’ Jill flavors, like Nacho Pizza.
I was sure that they would not upset the fragile digestive tracts of the dressage animals, the staff, or the show human. However, the only way to test these plainly fermented dairy flavored fried potato slices was to serve them to the residents of the mansion at our in-house restaurant, Café Bistro Diner. The name is so redundant, it repeats itself.
I laid the chips in a porcelain bowl out on the table, in between the Chilean Sea Bass purée and the lobster claw. The crowd dug in.
The horses enjoyed the chips, as did the staff. Fabio began reciting Romeo and Juliet.
George disagreed, and in his best Gilbert Gottfried voice, did a stirring rendition of the scene in the Iliad where Achilles learns of Patroclus’ passing (in the original Ancient Greek, of course), and then switched voices and sang “Dido’s Lament.”
However, the bird doesn’t really enjoy all that much of anything, so this doesn’t surprise anyone. Besides, his Don Giovanni is much better.
When everyone had finished their tiramisu, I decided to try the leftover chips for myself. They were definitely cheese flavored, but the flavor was very lightly dusted over the chip. For one, I expect more out of my flavored snacks. I must say, the chips were indubitably mediocre. However, much like animal repossessions and mansion foreclosures, these things happen.