I have to keep this brief. I’m currently being held captive by the Sovereign Thalassic Hegemony in their secret underwater headquarters. They didn’t appreciate my dismissive attitude toward their angry appearance on the bag of fish crackers. I don’t know how they managed to capture me, but I think it might have something to do with that new swimming pool that was mysteriously installed yesterday. Agent Kimbel-Sannit is unable to attempt an undersea rescue because he’s not immunized against pisciform polydactyly, and that Alan Smithee guy is just utterly useless. Oh, he’ll love taking credit for the mission once I’m finally saved, but until then he’ll just sit on the sidelines and sip his citrus soda. Thus, it’s up to me to find my way out of this aquatic abduction.
They’ve been interrogating me non-stop, trying to get the launch codes for the giant pink whale bubble cannon in West Mangoustan. I’ll never reveal this information, in spite of their increasingly unpleasant tactics. Now they’re trying to break me with a constant diet of Long Kow’s Crystal Noodle Soup (6 Kinds of Mushrooms). It wasn’t bad the first few times, but after so many meals, the translucent noodles and miniature mushrooms are starting to appear in my dreams. Given the choice between yet another bowl of Long Kow’s Crystal Noodle Soup (6 Kinds of Mushrooms) or a nice can of Adlay Oatmeal Deluxe, I’d still choose the soup.
The Hegemony is also using the soup as part of their mind games. The soup is clearly called “6 Kinds of Mushrooms”, but they keep telling me that there are seven kinds of mushrooms in this soup. They even make me read the ingredients label every time. Before every bowl, I have to read off all the mushrooms: oyster mushroom, nameko mushroom, shiitake mushroom, enokidake mushroom, cloud ear mushroom, maitake mushroom, king oyster mushroom. Do you see what they’re doing? They’ve printed seven kinds of mushrooms in that list. They’re trying to make me think there are seven kinds of mushroom in the soup. But there aren’t. The label clearly says “6 Kinds of Mushrooms”. As long as I never forget that, I’ll be able to withstand their incessant ichthyic interrogation.
They’ve found me! I have to shut down this terminal before they realize that I’ve been communicating with the outside world. I have to keep my wits about me: the soup contains six kinds of mushrooms. Six. Six kinds of mushrooms in the soup. Only six. Not seven. Six kinds of mushrooms. Noodles, broth, and mushrooms. Six kinds.
There are six kinds of mushrooms.
THERE ARE…SIX…KINDS…OF MUSHROOMS!