The snack world recently mourned the loss of Twinkie the Kid, who was the eponymous mascot for the baffling baked good from Hostess. Twinkie the Kid, or “T.K.” as he was known to his friends, was found dead in his Irving, Texas apartment in the middle of hundreds of Chocodiles wrappers. The coroner believes that Mr. Kid had been on a “Chocodile bender” for at least three days prior to his death. “The vast quantities of cake, chocolate, and creme filling were too much for even a creature made of cake and creme filling to tolerate,” explained the coroner. The district attorney said that in spite of the obvious similarities between Twinkies and Chocodiles, it would not be possible to bring posthumous charges of cannibalism due to a recent Supreme Court ruling on the subject (see United States v. Thirty-five Cases of Chocolate Covered Twinkies a/k/a Chocodiles).
That was the official story, anyway…
The investigators at Armenian Fungus Cake weren’t satisfied with this explanation. We set out to determine what really happened to Twinkie the Kid, and what we found was quite shocking. It appears that Mr. Kid faked his own death to escape his contract, and is now working in a much more lucrative position as the mascot of JFC Biscuit Sticks. He’s obviously remained true to his cowboy roots, but as you can see, he’s been promoted to sheriff. Instead of intimidating other snacks with his colorful bandana, as he did in his previous job, he’s now armed with two powerful weapons. One is clearly a revolver, while the other is less distinct. It may be another gun, but it also appears to be some type of over-sized fountain pen. Regardless of what the newly minted sheriff uses to carry out his duties, we at Armenian Fungus Cake wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor.
Oh, right. The biscuit sticks. They tasted sweet, with just a bit of salt. No surprise there.
Also, while investigating this case, we saw Elvis. He was probably looking for any remaining Twinkies.