Morning, readers. I’m back.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from writing for Armenian Fungus Cake, it’s that producers feel that buyers want to eat foods consisting of all sorts of odd combinations, like nacho pizza. I’ve also learned that if there’s any nation that dose this the most, it’s the Philippines, with Jack & Jill brand and other such food purveyors.
So, based on this fact, I came to an immediate conclusion when my culinary compatriot showed to me these odd potato chips, this time produced by the American company Pringles, who specialize in uniformly shaped, stackable potato chips (or crisps, if you’re commonwealthian). This assumption (which is based on no facts and should not be treated as the actual goals of the Kellog Company, nor should it be treated as representing the actual feelings of the Philippine people or government) was that Pringles brand is trying to come into favor with the Philippines by creating a snack consisting of a wacky combination.
In doing this, Pringles would lobby the government to convince the Philippines to become a territory of America, as they once were, and the Philippines, who feel favorable about America due to Pringles’s combination creation, would accept.
Pringles would then create more odd chip flavors–chocolate strawberry, pepperoni and onion–the opportunities are endless. By creating an increased amount of strange combinative flavors, Philippine approval of Pringles would shoot through the roof, prompting them to lobby to become a state, thereby beating Puerto Rico in the race to become the 51st state. With an American foothold in Asia, Pringles, now that they’ve helped to reunite a sort of imperialism, will work on monopolizing the chip/crisp industry, using their odd and often location-specific flavors to influence the world to the point where Pringles is the only chip brand in existence and America is a sodium superpower.
But, Pringles won’t stop there. They’ll keep working until they have people in Government so they can get away with their monopolizing. They’ll run food companies in general out of business, until every food item is provided for by Kellogs and has a Pringles label on it. First, the US, then, the world. It will become the United States of Pringles Eating Americans. There will be Pringles Theme Parks–mark my words (but don’t; really this is a joke). Every country will have a Pringles influence-even the ungovernable Somalia. It will become Pringalia!
There is no stopping it, unless we fight back now. Sure, White Chocolate Peppermint is tasty and it blends sweet and salty, but that can’t stop the resistance. We must save our governments, our fellow people, and our planet from these dastardly chip makers! Our very existence depends on it.
Have a great day!