Ironbeer Soft Drink (Original 1917 Flavor)

Posted by on January 3, 2013

AAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

AFTERNOON, READERS!

YOU KNOW WHAT’S GREAT? IRON! IT’S HARD AND STRONG AND IT’S IN OUR BLOOD! AND THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES!

SO, SOMETIMES, WHEN I RUN OUT OF M-150 CRAZY COMMUNIST ENERGY DRINKS, I NEED TO GET MY FIX OF MASCULINITY AND OVER 80 YEAR OLD FLAVORS.

AND HOW DO I DO THAT? IRONBEER SOFT DRINK!

IT HAS ALL THE MANLINESS OF BEER AND IRON WITHOUT ANY OF THE ALCOHOL! THIS STUFF IS SO INTENSE, THE FLAVOR HAS BEEN THE SAME SINCE 1917!

THAT’S OVER 300 YEARS BEFORE NOW! DID YOU HEAR ME? OVER 500 YEARS!

AND NOT ONLY DOES THIS HAVE A TASTE THAT’S MORE THAN A┬áMILLENNIA OLD, IT PROVIDES GREAT BENEFITS! JUST LOOK AT THAT GUY ON THE FRONT! HE’S SO MUSCULAR, YOU CAN SEE THE BLOOD FLOWING TO SUPPLY HIS GUNS THROUGH HIS SKIN! LOOK AT HIS JAW AND BROW LINES! THEY’RE DEFINED AS HELL! THAT’S THE IRON HARD AT WORK! TRUST ME, IT’S SCIENCE!

HOW SCIENTIFIC IS IT? I’M NOT PRESSING CAPS LOCK OR SHIFT WHEN I’M TYPING. IRONBEER IS SO INTENSE, I TOLD THE KEYS TO TYPE IN CAPITALS. AND THEY DID! CAUSE I’M AS SCARY AS A FLAMING JAGUAR ON STEROIDS!

IN GENERAL, IRONBEER IS BADASS! LITERALLY! IT FIRST ARIVED AT A CANTINA IN CUBA ON A WAGON PULLED BY A DONKEY! DID YOU HEAR ME? CUBA! THAT’S THE SCARIEST COUNTRY IN ASIA! PLUS, IT USES ISLAND SPICES TO GIVE IT ITS AGE OLD FLAVOR. ISLAND SPICES!!!

IT’S HARD TO ACQUIRE ISLAND SPICES! BUT NOT WITH IRONBEER! HELL, IRONBEER MAKES IT EASY TO ACQUIRE LANDLOCKED SUGARS, ARGUABLY HARDER TO ACQUIRE THAN ISLAND SPICES!

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, TRY IT YOURSELF! AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, DRINK IT ANYWAY! IF IT DOESN’T WORK, GO DIE!

Regards,

Arren

 

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