Do you have problems? Of course you do. We all have problems. Whether it’s a loose screw, an overgrown fingernail, utter financial ruin, or complete emotional breakdown, you want to make those problems go away.
The Swiss military invented a tool that solves at least some of those problems. We probably shouldn’t say the name, since it’s heavily trademarked, but it’s a type of knife that’s carried by members of the army. Members of the army in Switzerland, that is. Those people carry this knife.
A plain knife wouldn’t solve many problems, but the Swiss aren’t known for their plain ways. While an ordinary Moldovan soldier might carry a standard pocket knife (unless he or she was an officer, in which case the knife might have two blades), a member of the Swiss army will be equipped with a resplendent red tool that could contain any or all of the following:
- A flathead screwdriver
- A Philips screwdriver
- Not a Robertson screwdriver (do you think we’re in Canada, eh?)
- A corkscrew
- Fingernail clippers
- A fingernail file
- A complete manicure-pedicure set
- A toothpick
- A hair comb
- A T-8 Torx driver (Mac users only)
- A USB flash drive
- Needlenose pliers
- A key to activate a legion of angry robots
Think of all the problems you could solve with just a few of those amazing tools. Is it any wonder that our Swiss overlords benevolently rule over the entire planet?
But what if your problem can’t be solved with a simple tool? What if your whole life has come crashing down around you because you owe $75,000 to some guy named Mr. Brown who you’ve never met, and even your dog won’t speak to you any more? Are you trying to tell me that I should put my life back together with a corkscrew and a screwdriver? What am I supposed to do with this stupid screwdriver? Why are you even giving this thing to me?!
Do you really think this is going to make me feel…I mean…Would one of these Swiss military multi-tools really make you feel any better if your whole world were falling apart? Of course it wouldn’t. But that’s why there is the Swiss Chocolate Knife.
The Swiss Chocolate Knife looks like one of those military things that must not be named, but instead of containing a stupid useless corkscrew(!!!!) it’s made of delicious chocolate. Because as any good culinary crusader knows, chocolate fixes everything*. Yes, the sweet, sweet chocolate makes me forget…I mean….the sweet, sweet chocolate will make you forget about all of the gangsters who are going to break your face if you don’t come up with $75,000 by next Thursday.
The Swiss Chocolate Knife isn’t made of pure chocolate, though. If it were, it would only solve your problems, and it would be quite selfish of you to expect everyone to coddle you like that, now wouldn’t it? Do you think you’re the only person with problems?! Because some of us have a lot more problems than you! Like Moldova! The last I heard, it had been completely overrun with hazelnuts. That’s why the Swiss Chocolate knife contains a creamy hazelnut filling. Even in spite of all the hazelnut-based snacks made in Europe, it appears that the hazelnut plants still have the upper hand. No matter how much money you owe to Mr. Brown, at least you aren’t drowning in hazelnuts. So it could be a lot worse! See, didn’t that make you feel better? That’s the power of the Swiss Chocolate Knife.
And if you happen to be Moldovan, I offer my sincerest condolences. I’m sure it was a beautiful country.
*diabetes not included