Bitter Cocoa Biscuits

Posted by on September 4, 2013
Mad at the world (not starring Aaron Spelling)

Mad at the world (not starring Aaron Spelling)

Have you ever known someone who was just terribly bitter about everything? How about a cookie that was bitter about everything? I’ve known several of the former, but only one of the latter.  As soon as I opened this package of Bitter Cocoa Biscuits, I knew this was going to be an interesting day.

“Yep. Here we go. I knew it.” said a voice from inside the box. I was so startled that I dropped the package on the floor. “Oh, yeah. Just keep making it worse, why don’t you?” the voice continued.

“Well, uh,” I started, but the voice inside the box of cookies didn’t let me say any more.

“I get ground up into a powder, baked into a cookie, smashed on top of some highly opinionated creme filling, wrapped up in some suffocating plastic, crammed into a box, and shipped halfway around the world on a leaky boat, then you don’t even have the decency to keep from throwing me on the ground?!”

“But, I didn’t know…” I stammered

“You didn’t know?! He didn’t know. Did you hear that? He didn’t know.”

“I mean, you’re a cookie…”

“Oh!” exclaimed the voice from inside the box. “Oh yeah! Play the cookie card! It’s just fine to do those things to cookies, right? Because we’re so inferior!”

“No, no!” I insisted. “I didn’t mean it that way. I just didn’t think cookies had any feelings, so I…”

“No feelings!” the voice roared (at least as much as a voice inside a box of cookies can roar). “And you wonder why I’m bitter?!”

“But, I didn’t know cookies were…alive.”

A scream of rage emanated from the box, and I dropped it again.

“I think I should just stop talking now,” I said.

“Yeah, you should do that,” said the voice from inside the box.

I can’t really tell you about the Bitter Cocoa Biscuits, since now I’m too afraid to go back into the kitchen. Sorry.

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