Monthly Archives: October 2013
I’d hoped it would never come to this. As much as I wanted this little site in a forgotten corner of the Internet to make us rich and famous, there was one group that I didn’t want to deal with. It’s a gang that’s so feared, I refrained from mentioning them, thinking that by ignoring them they might never notice this collection of strange snacks and wacky weirdness.
In spite of my best efforts to hide, the Croatian Clown Conglomerate has found us. They never show themselves directly. Not at first, anyway. But they always deliver a message to the ones they’re watching. This time in arrived in the form of a bag of Kraš Ki-Ki candy that came from an allegedly Serbian source. Regardless of the attempt to conceal its origins, I immediately spotted the hallmarks of the CCC. First, the candy is Croatian. Croatian clowns always make their veiled threats using Croatian candy. I still remember that from my training as an agent of the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations. Next, there is an ominous-looking clown with creepy eyes on the package. A happy clown wouldn’t really be very threatening, but a creepy clown with crosses for eyes conveys the message of the CCC quite clearly. Finally, the number 099 was scrawled directly above the clown’s right eye. The FBFCR continues to investigate the meaning of this numerical mystery, but so far we have been unable to determine what the Conglomerate is trying to convey.
Regardless of what terrible tribulations the Croatian Clown Conglomerate intends to inflict upon us in the future, at least they sent us a nice bag of candy. It contains fruit, fruit, and plant extracts. I’m not sure why they listed fruit twice, since there really isn’t that much fruit in these chewy candies. Maybe they don’t believe in using the Oxford comma, and their punctuational puzzlement has created some confusion.
In any case, the candy was quite good and momentarily helped to alleviate the terrible fear that comes along with being threatened by the Croatian Clown Conglomerate. I’m still not sure what we did to upset them. It could be something as simple as our steadfast use of the Oxford comma. If that’s the case, all I can say is, “Bring it on!” We might do any number of things to appease our enemies, but we will never, ever, compromise our punctuation principles.
Injuries happen to everyone. Sometimes, insult is added to injury, and that makes it even worse. Other times, bacon is added to injury, and then it’s really not so bad. After all, no matter how painful anything is, the mere thought of bacon can make it feel just a bit better. That’s obviously why these Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages were created. Whether you have a simple paper cut from opening a box of psyllium husk, or you’ve been dropped into a pit full of knives by the Vast Soursop Conspiracy, you can at least patch yourself up with a very realistic replica of bacon. It’s so realistic, in fact, that Elvis might have eaten himself to death with these bacon bandages before he even realized what he was doing.
And, speaking of Elvis…Well, you’ll just have to wait and see what we have in store…
Alright, in list A, we have several things that make chickens angry. In list B, we have several things that make fish vomit. The task is to determine which items both make chickens angry and make fish vomit. You’d think this could be done by a computer, but that would deprive us of the opportunity to waste our time performing a contrived and useless task.
List A (Things that make chickens angry)
Integration by parts
Atori Nori Seaweed Biscuit Sticks
The number 57
List B (Things that make fish vomit)
Atori Nori Seaweed Biscuit Sticks
Light roast coffee
Dioramas based on Lord of the Flies
The 1978 AMC Pacer
Integration by parts
After careful examination, we’re left with two possibilities. One is “integration by parts”, but that makes everyone angry and makes everyone vomit, so it doesn’t really seem like the right answer. It was obviously included in these lists merely for the sake of completeness. That leaves the other possibility, which is “Atori Nori Seaweed Biscuit Sticks”. We probably could have saved ourselves some time by simply looking at the package, since it clearly depicts both an angry chicken and a vomiting fish. But if we’d done that, then we never would have learned these fascinating facts about chickens and fish. I have to admit that I don’t really understand chickens or fish, since I happen to like both crwth music and marmalade. Then again, I also like Atori Nori Seaweed Biscuit Sticks, so maybe I shouldn’t be too swayed by the opinions of piqued poultry and sickly seafood.
Zvečevo is a non-Kraš chocolate maker in Croatia. This seems impossible, until you learn that Zvečevo also makes strong alcoholic drinks, and no one ever went broke making strong alcoholic drinks in Eastern Europe. We won’t be sampling any of those today, instead, we’ll be examining the Samo Ti Limeta & Jogurt bar. This chocolate bar combines milk chocolate with lime and yogurt, which might seem odd to some people, but sounded perfect to me.
Even before I tried this tempting treat, and before I translated the Croatian on the package, I knew that this flavor combination had been made just for me. It was as if Zvečevo had some sort of top-secret mind-reading machine aimed right at me, and they knew that I had been hoping for a lime-and-yogurt chocolate bar to emerge from a former Yugoslav republic.
The fusion of lime, yogurt, and chocolate was delicious, of course. Well, no one else really liked it that much, but I did. It all made sense once I translated the brand name “samo ti” into English. It means “only you.” Obviously, this delicacy was made specifically with my tastes in mind. More importantly, this is finally proof that the Yugoslavians were reading my thoughts after all. See, I told you I wasn’t crazy.
When you’re tired, drink coffee. When you’re sad, eat chocolate. These are the rules that govern our existence, right? But what are you supposed to do when you’re sad and tired at the same time? The overwhelming sadness makes it impossible for you to brew a cup of coffee, while the paralyzing exhaustion makes it impossible for you to go get a chocolate bar. You have to hope that someone will hear your muffled sobs and know what to do before it’s too late. And don’t expect any help from your useless cat. It’s been waiting for you to die on the couch so it can devour your remains. The last thing it’s going to do is spend 10 minutes fumbling around with a French press just to save your life.
Fortunately, the fine folks at Bovetti have invented a solution to this problem. It’s not some silly chocolate-flavored coffee drink; that might wake you up, but you’ll be even more depressed when you realize it didn’t contain any actual chocolate. It’s not a mocha chocolate bar; that might lift your spirits for a moment, right up until the point where you fall asleep at the controls of a steamroller. No, when you’ve been awake for 39 straight hours and you’re more depressed than the stock market in 1929, you need real coffee and real chocolate at the same time. That’s exactly what the Bovetti Milk Chocolate with Coffee Bar is.
The bar of pure milk chocolate is covered with real ground coffee, and there’s enough coffee there to add plenty of flavor and crunch. Most importantly, it satisfies two socially acceptable addictions at the same time. Everyone should keep one of these with their emergency supplies, especially if they have a cat.