Now that the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations has been empowered to investigate domestic comestibles, we’ve been able to take on new cases that help to justify our exorbitant salaries. In particular, we’ve been looking into Alive & Radiant Chockalet Chip Kale Krunch. This most unusual of snack combinations proclaims: “Chocolate and Kale? Yes! Try it.” As I am bound by my FBFCR contract to obey all orders given by snack food packages, I had no choice but to purchase this fully organic, raw, nut-free, gluten-free, vegan concoction.
Before I explain this collision of chocolate and kale, let me say as much as I can about the price of this rare delicacy. I’ve experienced a partial mental block as a result of the sticker shock, so I can’t really say exactly how much this little bag cost. All I know is that in spite of being vastly overpaid, the agents of the FBFCR have been forced to take on additional jobs to try to pay off the debt, including such demeaning tasks as selling low-quality knives at the mall and breaking up fights at the anger management clinic. Even with that, we’ll still be paying off the Kale Krunch for some time to come.
When I tried the wrinkly brown…things…in the bag, I immediately consulted the ingredient list to find out just what I’d gotten myself into. In addition to organic kale, this treat also contains organic pumpkin seeds, organic cacao powder (from heirloom raw cacao), and Himalayan crystal salt (not listed as organic, but surely it must be). In particular, the heirloom raw cacao is claimed to have “mood-elevating properties”.
It was this claim of unimaginable happiness that we investigated. The results were quite conclusive. They put perfectly good chocolate on kale (kale!), added pumpkin seeds for some reason, put it in a bag, and charged a small fortune for it. The end result was that it tasted like kale, and I’m also broke. So do I look like I’m in a good mood?
Oh, wait. Like all good and normal snack foods, it also says that it’s “not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.”