We recently received the following angry missive from a representative of the Secret Society of Artificial Potatoes:
I represent the Secret Society of Artificial Potatoes, and I want to inform you of a terrible injustice that is being perpetrated against simulated spuds. We are a small group and our suffering often goes unheeded, so I hope that you will be able to assist with our dilemma. We’ve recently been rendered redundant by Jack ‘n Jill Vcut Potato Chips, which are made with 100% real potatoes. With all of those real potatoes being used to make potato chips, what are we artificial potatoes supposed to do? I suppose we might try to get ourselves included in one of those canned soups with folding plastic spoons, but we really want to retain some shred of dignity.
To add insult to injury, our pictures are still being used on the packaging for these potato chips, even though we aren’t actually inside the bag. We only agreed to these humiliating photographs because we thought it would help us get a role in Spicy Barbecue Flavor Vcut Potato Chips. I mean, look at our feet. They’re red chili peppers. Did you think those were our shoes? Well, they’re not. Those are our feet. That’s the life of an artificial potato. You never knew it was so horrible, did you? And to make it even worse, they made us run across hot coals that were put on top of a giant artificial potato chip. That hurts even when you have red chili peppers for feet!
In closing, I truly hope that the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations will be able to assist with our tater tribulations. I’m sure you’re very busy with other cases, but we have chili peppers for feet. Isn’t that reason enough to move us to the top of your list?
T. Thomas Tuber
I’m very sorry to hear of your problems. Unfortunately, our budget has been cut to the point that we are considering selling our own feet on Craigslist and having them replaced with stale cheese logs. Maybe if you bought a t-shirt or something we could afford to help you. Until then, we are going to have to deal with our own problems.