Kasugai Ice No Cola

Posted by on June 10, 2014
Warning: gastric disturbance may result!

Warning: gastric disturbance may result!

There are many cola-flavored candies for when you need your cola fix but can’t get to an actual can of cola. There is even the Shocking Popping variety of cola candy for when you want to be shocked and popped in a cola-flavored way. But one thing none of these candies could do was replicate the sheer perfection of an ice-cold cola. That’s where Kasugai Ice No Cola comes in. Thanks to the wonders of modern food chemistry, these tiny tablets can actually give you the actual taste of chilled cola.

Unlike mint and other natural flavors, which only give the illusion of being cool, Kasugai Ice No Cola’s main ingredient is erythritol (also known as (2R,3S)-butane-1,2,3,4-tetraol or C4H10O4). With a heat of solution of -24.1 kJ/mol, erythritol actually cools down when it dissolves in water. Thus, when you enjoy a piece of Ice No Cola, you get the real effect of ice cold cola without any of the mess. Not only that, but since it’s not real sugar, it has almost no calories, so it’s a guilt-free ice-cold non-cola cola treat. The best news of all is that unlike other sugar substitutes, it doesn’t tend to produce a laxative effect.

The bad news is that it can make you wish it would cause a laxative effect. If you overdo it, you can find yourself with nausea and a bad case of borborygmi. That sounds worse than it is, because it really only means “stomach rumbling”, but when you think of it using the technical term, you can really get yourself worked into a fit of hypochondria. Fortunately, we each only enjoyed one Ice No Cola candy. Unfortunately, we gave the rest to our polar bear.

Did I mention that we have a polar bear? I might have forgotten about that. Since all of our fans buy so many t-shirts and view so many ads, we need to spend all of that vast blogging income. As soon as we saw the polar bear on the Ice No Cola package, we knew the best way to spend our money was to buy a polar bear. Did you know how easy it is to buy a polar bear? Neither did I.

Anyway, the package made it look like polar bears eat Ice No Cola, so we fed Petey (that’s the polar bear) quite a few of these cool candies. Poor Petey. Have you ever had to stay up all night taking care of a polar bear with an upset stomach? It’s not pleasant, though it certainly was even more unpleasant for Petey than it was for us.

So, lesson learned: don’t feed large quantities of Ice No Cola to polar bears. Next question: what do polar bears eat, anyway? I’m thinking they probably eat penguins. Does anyone know were to buy some penguins? They aren’t as easy to find as polar bears.

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