Monthly Archives: June 2014

Bounty Chocolate Bars

Good afternoon, readers. Missed me?

Quite the Catch


I’m sure those of you who’ve been around a while have wondered where I’ve been. Well, each time someone asks the story changes so maybe it’s better not to say and just to leave it at that. That being said, if someone in a blues club in Tangiers mentions me or my unpaid tab, just ignore it. They’ve got me confused for someone else.

So, with that out of the way, let me tell you something about the food item in question: the Bounty bar. The Bounty bar, most commonly found in two forms, a milk chocolate and dark chocolate variety, is a candy bar consisting of a chocolate coating and what can only be described as coconut flavored…paste.

A keen observer just might find that this very closely matches the description of other coconut-centric candy bars. They would be half right. See, in the most common example of coconut filled chocolate bars, almonds are present as well. This bar has a sister product without almonds. However, the difference here is that neither of the Bounty bars have almonds. Also, they’re German. In other words, these bars are generally inferior, lacking the trademark crunch of other coconut chocolate bars, and containing a filling that I would be even more hesitant to identify as coconut than their American counterparts. So, I would call one who identified these bars as absolutely similar to the American product a tactless fool who has no knowledge of the inferiority of non-American American candy bars. I mean, really, there isn’t that much similarity at all. These Bounty bars don’t even have florapomorphic Os made to look like coconuts. Moreover, the American bars do not say “zartherb” on the side, which, according to the internet, means “delicately tart.” Are American chocolate coconut bars delicately tart? I thought not!

So really, these Bounty bars are not shameless copies of American candy bars. They are distinct in that they are far, far lesser products with even less convincing coconut flavoring that could only ever dream of being authentic knockoffs.



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Very Good Fermented Tofu Crackers

Fun for everyone!

Fun for everyone!

Everyone needs to take an occasional break from their busy lives for a little recreation. And since no one has the time or energy for anything else, why not get that recreation by gorging yourself on a package of Very Good Fermented Tofu Crackers? These crackers are specifically designated as “recreational food” by the People’s Ministry of Edible Entertainment. They rank slightly above White Fungus Bird’s Nest Drink, but fall short of Adlay Oatmeal Deluxe.

No, really. It says on the package that this is a “recreational food”. And right next to it is a picture of someone who I can only assume is the head of the People’s Ministry of Edible Entertainment. There doesn’t seem to be any other possible explanation. Who else would be authorized to make such a determination? In any case, these fermented tofu crackers are indeed almost as recreational as a can of Job’s tears and devil’s tongue. You should try them the next time you need a little recreational food.

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