Monthly Archives: July 2014
Well, it finally happened. The last product in the world that did not have a Hello Kitty variant has been kittyfied. The final obstacle to a completely Hello Kitty existence has been removed. It’s now possible to wake up in a Hello Kitty bed, pull down the Hello Kitty sheets, put on Hello Kitty clothes, grab a Hello Kitty bag (filled with Hello Kitty pencils and Hello Kitty books), get in the Hello Kitty car, and go to whichever Hello Kitty place you need go. You might go to Hello Kitty school, or your Hello Kitty job, or even Hello Kitty university (if you can pass the Hello Kitty admission test). If you’ve been good, you might get to go on a Hello Kitty vacation. If you’ve been bad, you might find yourself in Hello Kitty jail.
You can eat your Hello Kitty hamburgers with Hello Kitty fries, or maybe have a Hello Kitty salad if you’re feeling a bit bloated. But don’t worry about that too much, or else you might end up in the Hello Kitty eating disorder clinic. Be sure to feed your Hello Kitty cat and your Hello Kitty dog. If you’re into exotic pets and have pre-ordered the Hello Kitty snake, please allow four to six weeks for delivery.
And finally, as the crowning moment of the Hello Kitty experience, enjoy some Hello Kitty Roasted Seasoned Seaweed. The last vestige of non-Hello Kitty existence has been eliminated. My life is comp…your life…your life is now complete.
Today marks the 800th day of the existence of Armenian Fungus Cake, and the exact moment of this post’s publication is 69,105,000 seconds since the first article ever appeared on this site. Things like years and months are irrelevant; these are the types of milestones we observe here.
If we’d continued at our original rate of one article per author per weekday, we’d have a little over 1,000 articles on the site by now. Of course that’s not a sustainable level of creativity, so we’re instead hoping to start bringing you something good every week or so instead. We’ve been promising a detailed review of The Sandwich That Killed Elvis for almost two years now. This might be the year it finally happens…
We at Armenian Fungus Cake are sad to report that there seems to have been some sort of terrible accident in the Bikano snack factory. That’s the only possible explanation for Bikano Badam Lachha. Without any direct evidence, it’s hard to say exactly what happened, but it appears to have gone something like this:
There were apparently several vats of oil, various containers of nuts, assorted spices, and a large number of potatoes. These things all seem to have been stored in close proximity to each other. Some sort of spontaneous reaction started in the potatoes which caused them to begin seething and rumbling. The vibrations from all these perturbed potatoes then caused the nuts, oil, and spices to spill out and to form a giant masala mess. Then to add to the chaos, the potatoes started popping. The combination of nuts, spices, oil, and exploded potatoes apparently formed Badam Lachha. We’re not sure of the actual meaning of “Badam Lachha”, but we think it might mean “be careful where you put your potatoes”.
This isn’t to say that Badam Lachha isn’t delicious, just that it clearly must have been the result of some unexpectedly ruptured tubers. How else can you explain this odd combination of nuts and spices, not to mention all of those shredded potatoes?
Recently, we received an unsolicited application from someone who wanted to join our culinary crime-fighting team. I’m not quite sure who started the rumor that the Federal Bureau of Foreign Culinary Relations has money to pay for more staff, but the job market is bad these days and I suppose people will lower themselves to anything when they’re desperate.
The anonymous applicant forgot to include his name or any contact information, so we couldn’t hire him even if we wanted to. He also didn’t really specify how he’d be useful to the FBFCR. He didn’t say that he’d be willing to taste frightening fish snacks, nor did he claim to have any special knowledge that might allow us to finally defeat the Croatian Clown Conglomerate. In fact, his whole pitch seemed to be pictorial in nature. Apparently, his only real skill is the ability to shoot cheese rings from his hands. Well that, and the ability to dress up in tight-fitting costumes, but the last thing we need is any more of that going on at the office.
I’m sure he thought that including a bag of his hand secretions would help to seal the deal, but come on, that was really a bit creepy. I mean, they tasted good and all, but don’t send that stuff with your job application. It just doesn’t look right.
You might have noticed that we haven’t been quite as prolific in our production of playful punditry lately. Of course there was a perfectly good reason for this. You see, a bit of acronym confusion caused us to get mixed up in a bit of a situation. You might recall that the countries of East Mangoustan and West Mangoustan were happily reunited some time ago, at which point we thought our involvement with them and their politics had come to an end.
Unfortunately, relations between the government of unified Mangoustan and residents of the former East Mangoustan have become quite strained. The former East Mangoustanis feel that they aren’t gaining the economic benefits that they were promised during the reunification process. One resident was heard to remark, “Before, everyone could afford corn and mustard, but no one could afford Shocking Popping Candy. Now, everyone can afford Shocking Popping Candy, but no one can afford corn and mustard!”
In an effort to resolve these mounting tensions, the Mangoustanis enlisted the help of the FBFCR. That is, the Federal Bureau of Foreign Cultural Relations. But, as you can see, that FBFCR shares an acronym with our FBFCR. As you’ve probably guessed, their specialty is cultural, and ours is culinary. But when the assignment arrived in our mailbox, we didn’t ask too many questions. We needed the money, and we’d dealt with the Mangoustanis before. Besides, how hard could it possibly be to appease a few angry Mangoustanis?
When I arrived to speak with the leader of the East Mangoustani delegation, I discovered that he didn’t actually speak English. I was instructed to negotiate with him in his native Mangoustani language. Apparently the FBFCR (the cultural one) has several Mangoustani speakers on its staff. Our FBFCR (the culinary one) has smartphones with translation apps, which seemed to be just as good. I tapped on “Good Quality Translatorium App (Free Edition)”, set it for English to Mangoustani, and carefully typed a greeting for the East Mangoustani representative.
The next few seconds were a blur. The phone said something in its synthesized voice, and the East Mangoustani immediately looked angry and horrified. The next thing I knew, angry bodyguards with frighteningly big guns were hauling me out of the building. They tossed me in the street and shouted something that I couldn’t understand. After I had a chance to compose myself, I looked at my phone and found that it had translated my ordinary greeting as “behold the hedgehog!”
Normally a translational gaffe such as this one would only result in a bit of laughter. The problem is that to former East Mangoustanis, the hedgehog symbolizes the border guards who once occupied the towers along the Jaquier Wall. Obviously I didn’t intend to invoke such a bad memory, but the FBFCR refused to pay $1.99 for the upgraded version of Good Quality Translatorium App so I had to use what was available.
Back at the FBFCR office (the culinary one), Angie and the Helmuts had already heard about what happened and were scrambling to figure out how to avoid an international incident. Lil’ Willy was also trying to get in on the discussion, but no one ever listens to him. The Helmuts suggested that I should be publicly fired and replaced with a giant plush caterpillar. Unfortunately, Angie had another idea. She said that the only way we could possible rectify the situation is for me to learn the Mangoustani language and go back to negotiate with the faction leader in his native tongue. The idea of simply referring this case back to the FBFCR (the cultural one) never crossed her mind. Once Angie gets started on something, she never lets anyone else finish it.
So, to make a long story short, the FBFCR (culinary) ordered the 28-volume set “A Basic Introduction to Mangoustani” from the FBFCR (cultural). They wouldn’t spend $1.99 to get me an app that can properly translate Mangoustani, but they gladly spent $999.95 on books about learning Mangoustani.
I’ve only looked at Volume 1 so far. It includes a chapter on the seven “genders” of Mangoustani nouns: masculine, feminine, neuter, royal, canine, zephyrous, and quadratic. It also has a sidebar with some mnemonic techniques for remembering how to decline a zephyrous noun when speaking to someone who is wearing a fedora. I’m a little afraid of what might be in Volume 2…