Monthly Archives: March 2015
Do you remember the good old days when mangosteen was literally the forbidden fruit? Finding it in cans was hard enough. Finding it fresh required putting on an elaborate disguise and asking shady individuals for “Croatian polenta”. Even then, you never knew if you were going to actually get mangosteen, or if you’d wake up in a seedy hotel without one of your kidneys. Even worse, your contact might actually be an undercover agent of the fruit police. There is a lot of crime in the world, but at one time, there were few crimes worse than the ones involving mangosteen.
Now mangosteen is everywhere. They practically throw it at you when you go into the store. If they recognize you as one of those annoying snack food bloggers, they really do throw it at you when you go into the store. They make mangosteen candy and every kind of mangosteen drink. The fruit police are all out of a job. I think I saw one of them working security at an outlet mall the other day. Mangosteen is boring now that it’s legal.
In a last-ditch effort to reignite interest in this misshapen fruit with the husky hull, Lusshin has turned it into a soap. If you’re completely bored with eating mangosteen, you can wash yourself with it instead. Go on, cover yourself with the luscious mangosteen-scented lather. Try to remember the days when you’d travel for a week just based on rumors of mangosteen, and then when you got there it was really just a bunch of shaved rambutans or a big smelly durian that someone had painted red. Try to remember when you had to go to a special store to get cappuccino-flavored potato chips. Did you know they sell those at Wal-mart now? Next thing you know, they’ll be selling Pepsi-flavored Cheetos right next to the regular Cheetos. What is this world coming to?
Oh boy. Here we go again. It’s yet another attempt to get me to eat my vegetables. This has been going on since I was three years old. I didn’t fall for it then, and I’m not falling for it now.
I don’t care if you put the vegetables in a pretty blue bag, or tell me that they’re high in vitamins, or juxtapose them with a smiling cartoon candy bar who says, “Eat your vegetables and then you can have chocolate!” How many times have we heard that before? And how many times did we actually get chocolate? Like maybe…five, tops? And even then, was it really chocolate, or was it that carob crab? Yeah, it was that carob crap, wasn’t it? That stuff isn’t chocolate. Nobody is being fooled by that. Do you hear me, carob?! You’re not fooling anyone!
I’m not about to be tricked by this bag of Hwa Tai Luxury Vegetable Cracker with Chocolate. I mean, luxury? Come on. Luxury is when you have a river of chocolate flowing through the middle of your house, or when you have a 500-gallon ranch dressing tank in your back yard. It’s not when you get tricked into eating vegetables and then get a dried out bit of carob afterwards.
Unfortunately, I’m contractually obligated to try a Luxury Vegetable Cracker with Chocolate, even though I know that little candy bar guy is lying to me. I’m just going to take the mandatory bite and…wait…this isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be! Something is horribly wrong!
The savory vegetable cracker mixed with the sweet chocolate creme is…it’s…it’s perfect. This one cracker…this vegetable cracker with chocolate…it makes up for a lifetime of vegetable-related trauma. I think I’ll celebrate by eating the entire bag. And I can do that, because it has vegetables.
It’s been a while since we brought you news of strange snacks and wacky weirdness, but this particular bulletin was too good to pass up. You’ve heard a lot about Tao Kae Noi Man and his delicious varieties of crispy seaweed, but we’ve recently discovered his long-lost cousin. That’s right, we’ve located the whereabouts of Tai Kae Man.
Obviously we’re not at liberty to disclose exactly where we found him, but rest assured that he was quite well hidden. Unlike his cousin Tao Kae Noi Man, Tai Kae Man doesn’t take life too seriously. While Tao Kae Noi Man often works himself into a tizzy, sometimes to the point that steam comes out of his ears, his laid-back cousin just sits around in shorts and an undershirt while consuming large quantities of a green, leafy substance. That’s not to say that these two things are necessarily related, but Tao Kae Noi Man does seem to be the more motivated member of this family.
Tao Kae Noi Man works seven days a week overseeing his vast seaweed kingdom while also inventing countless new seaweed flavors. Not only did he perfect Tom Yum Goong flavored seaweed, but he pioneered the process of coating healthy seaweed with tempura batter and deep frying it into a delicious wafer of morbid obesity. He even invented extra-crispy grilled seaweed, for when you feel guilty about eating too much tempura-coated fried seaweed.
Tai Kae Man makes soy sauce flavored seaweed. That’s all. If you want another flavor, you’re out of luck. He put the soy sauce on the seaweed, and he was wearing clothes when he did it. Can you really ask any more of him than that?
We hoped to speak with Tai Kae Man directly about his connection to the Asian seaweed dynasty, but he was unavailable for an interview. When our crew went to his one-bedroom apartment, no one would open the door. All they heard from inside was someone saying, “Tai Kae Man’s not here, man.”