Monthly Archives: July 2015
It has come to our attention that we at Armenian Fungus Cake might not be doing everything we can to keep our readers safe from the treacherous tyranny of strange snacks. We of course wish to state that we care deeply about the well-being of our fans and would hate to see any of them come to harm. As a result, we would like to take this opportunity to present a serious message about an item we told you about some time ago.
You might recall the story of Momordicae Grosvenori (also known as Fructus Momordicae) and the interdimensional incident that it caused. At the time, we did not explain the precautions that must be taken when dealing with this strange snack. Please take a moment to review the warnings stated below:
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a snack. It must be cleaned and cooked thoroughly before consumption.
- Pieces of dried Momordicae Grosvenori can be sharp. Wear eye protection when handling the product in its dried form.
- Do NOT drive or operate heavy machinery after consuming Momordicae Grosvenori.
- If you have ever experienced unexplained dizziness, nocturnal overeating, or delusions of grandeur, you should NOT use Momordicae Grosvenori.
- In the event of spontaneous combustion, do NOT attempt to extinguish Momordicae Grosvenori. Seek shelter immediately and contact an appropriate specialist for further advice.
- Do NOT mix Momordicae Grosvenori with other household cleaners, including bleach.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT suitable for consumption by chinchillas due to the potential for causing uncontrolled growth.
- Under normal circumstances, Momordicae Grosvenori will not achieve sentience. In the event that Momordicae Grosvenori begins showing signs of self-awareness, immediately clear mind of all unpleasant thoughts. Evacuate entire population of planet as soon as possible and conceal direction of escape to avoid being tracked by Momordicae Grosvenori.
- Do NOT allow Momordicae Grosvenori to become angry. Severe injury and/or property damage will result.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a substitute for qualified psychiatric treatment.
- If the effects of Momordicae Grosvenori last for more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately.
Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself about the serious dangers of Momordicae Grosvenori. We now return you to our normal comedic programming.
There are some things in life that are sacred. You can’t just go around redefining them to suit your own purposes. One of those things is candy. Candy is a traditional bond of sweetness and deliciousness that has existed for thousands of years. It is a three-way promise of tasty delight between the maker, the consumer, and itself.
It was all that, anyway, until Kuai Wei came along and tried to redefine traditional candy. These Kuai Wei Olive “Candies” represent an abomination to all things that make true candy the treat that it is. They blatantly disregard the definition of candy that has been accepted for millennia and replace it with a corrupt conglomeration of olives, sugar, and salt. That is an affront to candy itself, and furthermore, it tarnishes the sanctity of my traditional candy consumption.
Adding insult to injury, it turns out that there is no law protecting the traditional definition of candy. That means anything can be called candy and nobody can do anything to prevent it. You can see this creeping into our culture with the recent designation of bacon as “the candy of meats”. This brief witty observation, or “meme” as it is called on the Internet, has even found its way into the schools where it is being used to indoctrinate children with this twisted message of non-traditional candy.
Please contact your elected representatives and encourage them to support a law that will protect the traditional definition of candy. Only through intense legislative effort can we hope to defend the sanctity of candy and the quick, anonymous, three-way relationship that it represents.