There are some things in life that are sacred. You can’t just go around redefining them to suit your own purposes. One of those things is candy. Candy is a traditional bond of sweetness and deliciousness that has existed for thousands of years. It is a three-way promise of tasty delight between the maker, the consumer, and itself.
It was all that, anyway, until Kuai Wei came along and tried to redefine traditional candy. These Kuai Wei Olive “Candies” represent an abomination to all things that make true candy the treat that it is. They blatantly disregard the definition of candy that has been accepted for millennia and replace it with a corrupt conglomeration of olives, sugar, and salt. That is an affront to candy itself, and furthermore, it tarnishes the sanctity of my traditional candy consumption.
Adding insult to injury, it turns out that there is no law protecting the traditional definition of candy. That means anything can be called candy and nobody can do anything to prevent it. You can see this creeping into our culture with the recent designation of bacon as “the candy of meats”. This brief witty observation, or “meme” as it is called on the Internet, has even found its way into the schools where it is being used to indoctrinate children with this twisted message of non-traditional candy.
Please contact your elected representatives and encourage them to support a law that will protect the traditional definition of candy. Only through intense legislative effort can we hope to defend the sanctity of candy and the quick, anonymous, three-way relationship that it represents.