We tried to warn you. Almost two years ago, we tried to warn you. But did you listen? No. Of course not. We told you all of the things that make chickens angry, and we even showed you a chicken that was already starting to get really upset. Apparently that wasn’t enough for you.
So, what did you do? Did you make jambalaya? Did you play the crwth? Did you run around spouting off about all of the 57 things that you and your 57 friends were going to do for 57 days and 57 nights?
Oh, it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Just look over there and see what you’ve done. You’ve upset the chickens. You’ve enraged the chickens. You’ve brought forth the devil chickens from the deepest pits of hell. And now they’re going to eat us. Do you understand that? Do you even understand that a little bit?!
We’re going to be the strange snacks for a horde of demonic chickens with horns and pitchforks. Because of you. THE CHICKENS ARE COMING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Wouldn’t you like to at least know exactly how fast this plague of provoked poultry is going to spread? Wouldn’t you like to know when the chickens are going to come for you? Well, so would I, but we can’t even compute that because the mathematical model for their rate of spread can only be calculated using integration by parts. And integration by parts is one of the things that makes chickens angry! Please at least tell me that you didn’t cause the downfall of the human race by willingly doing integration by parts. That would just be adding insult to injury.
I bet you also did some of those things that make fish vomit. You just had to do your diorama about Lord of the Flies, didn’t you? You couldn’t do it about Macbeth like a normal person. You had to be different. Well, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Do you see any vomiting fish around? No? Do you know why? Because the devil chicken ate all of the vomiting fish! And if the chicken ate fish that were vomiting red and green confetti, do you really think it won’t eat you too?!
If by some chance you finish reading this before being devoured by a raging rooster, maybe you could try some Atori Spicy-X Tom Yam Seafood Biscuit Sticks. They even include mabin tomato sauce, but not in cups as is shown on the package. No, the sauce comes in a couple of sad little pouches. And you know what? The chicken doesn’t even care. The sauce is in pouches, and resistance is not an option. You will use what the chicken gives you.
In the meantime, I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but wait for the fateful fowl. Somehow I always knew it would end like this. I mean, you can’t really tell anyone that you expect to be eaten by a giant demonic barnyard creature, because then you get put back in that special room where everything is soft and nothing is pointy. But I knew this was going to happen. I always kn…