“Look at me! I’m evil and cruel and environmentally irresponsible! I contribute to health problems and might even cause cancer! Not to mention that I will make you obese! And worst of all, I’m murder! MURDER!”
Do you know what that is? That’s a vegan imitation of meat. Did you know that vegans do such good imitations of meat? Neither did I until I met Veggie Jerky.
Now ordinarily the best course of action would be to simply ignore someone like Veggie Jerky until you can make your escape and return to your bacon-carpeted meat lair. But sometimes you’re forced to endure the vegan imitation of meat, and when that happens your only option is to at least give it a fair chance.
As it turns out, the MSG-free, preservative-free, cholesterol-free, GMO-free Veggie Jerky is actually a rather tasty snack. It does a reasonably good job of approximating the texture and flavor of real meat jerky, which is more than can be said for most vegan imitations of meat.
Of course you still have to listen to Veggie Jerky imitating all of the horrible aspects of meat, but at least you don’t have to eat kale while you’re doing it. Just go to your happy place and remind yourself that you’ll soon be back where even the bowls are made of bacon.
The characters depicted in this sketch are fictional. Any similarity to actual vegans is purely coincidental. Yeah, coincidental. That’s the word…