DAY 1: Cookie butter has almost become the new pumpkin spice. It’s in everything from chocolate bars to cream cheese, not to mention tubs of pure cookie butter goodness. I’d like to understand why this has become such a phenomenon, while my attempts to get rich by selling Yummy Giant Balls of Pure Cardamom have completely failed. There must be a simple explanation for why everyone likes pumpkin spice and cookie butter so much.
DAY 3: After reviewing my previous attempts to understand pumpkin spice, I have decided that it is better to leave this topic unexplored. Cookie butter, on the other hand, is still an open question.
DAY 9: Distracted for nearly a week by studies of the Mangoustani language. Spent approximately 36 continuous hours pondering the significance of having four different verbs for “become” depending on the time of day that the becoming occurs. No progress on the cookie butter question.
DAY 10: The first cookie butter clue! It had been staring me in the face all along. The package of Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Sandwich Cookies that I bought says that math offers the simplest explanation, and acknowledges that it is a rare case where math can provide such an easy answer. It seems that I will need to make use of my mathematical skills to solve this mystery.
DAY 14: Four days lost arguing with alleged time traveler on the Internet. Unable to travel back in time and undo this mistake. Must remain focused on cookie butter inquiry.
DAY 15: Another clue, again on the package. It’s an equation: c + cb = OMg. Not sure what to make of it. Factored c out of first term to get c(1 + b) = OMg. Assuming that Mg is one term, not two. Also assuming it does not refer to magnesium.
DAY 16: Read next sentence on package. It was a translation for the mathematically challenged: “cookie + cookie butter = Oh My goodness!” This raises as many questions as it answers, since it explains the meaning of each term but also introduces an unexpected factorial operator that was not present in the original equation. Beginning to get agitated with my lack of progress on this problem.
DAY 17: Should have read the next sentence too. The exclamation mark was added for non-mathematical emphasis. Note to self: try not to get distracted while investigating cookie butter problem.
DAY 24: Got distracted by learning to play the oud. Neighbors complained about unwanted oud music at 3:00 a.m. Oud was confiscated by Federal Bureau of Foreign Musical Instrument Relations. Again resuming cookie butter inquiry.
DAY 25: After ten days of agonizing mathematical acrobatics, the package now says that they have “forever altered the cookie equation”. Flew into a rage and nearly got my head stuck in bread-making machine. Would have smashed oud if it hadn’t already been confiscated.
DAY 26: Additional cookie equations have been discovered. The first relates to dunking: c + cb = OMg x d. The second to twisting: c + cb = OMg x t. The third to taking a bite: c + cb = OMgWoW. This now changes the problem into a system of four equations. I am beginning to experience significant math anxiety, and I have grave concerns that the W in the last equation might be tungsten.
DAY 27: The last apparent clue is that “they always add up to delicious”. But what adds up to delicious exactly? All of the equations? One of them? The left side or the right side? How can something even add up to delicious? Is it one of those things like infinity that doesn’t really add up to anything? Why are they doing this to me?!
DAY 30: Tried to forget about cookie butter problem by purchasing another oud, but discovered that I’m now on a list of people who must wait three days before buying a musical instrument. Went back after the waiting period to discover that the oud had already been sold to someone else. Refused offer of “a very nice old banjo”. Turning thoughts back to cookie butter.
DAY 31: Produced over 50 pages of calculations attempting to find solution to cookie butter equations. Every time the results are nonsensical. One time it comes out that d = t, but that means that dunking is equal to twisting. Another time it comes out that t = WoW. What does that even mean? Twisting is equal to initial tungsten times current tungsten? Why is there so much tungsten?!
DAY 32: Mathematical stress reaching critical level. Intense headache and sweating. Attempting to solve for cookie butter (cb) yields utter nonsense. Spent 7 hours pressing random buttons on calculator. Created graph that looks like cookie butter sandwich cookie, but battery went dead before any useful information could be extracted.
DAY 33: In a fit of mental anguish, I ate one of the cookie butter sandwich cookies. It was indescribably delicious and relieved much of my math misery. I am continuing my inquiry with renewed vigor.
DAY 34: A potential breakthrough? I finally looked at the other side of the package and discovered that the cookie filling is 57% cookie butter. This could be the missing piece of the puzzle. Ate several more cookie butter sandwich cookies to maintain my energy.
DAY 35: Even with the additional clue, the numbers just don’t add up. Frustration returning worse than ever. Ate remainder of cookie butter sandwich cookies.
DAY 36: Unable to continue without sweet cookie butter goodness. Went to store to purchase additional box. Was allowed to buy box with no waiting period. This was fortunate for all concerned.
DAY 36 addendum: Ate all cookies before I could make it home. Returned to store to purchase all remaining cookie butter sandwich cookies. Received strange looks, but encountered no actual resistance. Currently have 46 1/2 boxes of cookie butter sandwich cookies.
DAY 38: Thoughts of cookie butter equations still swirling in my head. Unable to make yesterday’s entry due to being too busy eating cookie butter sandwich cookies. Must maintain nearly constant intake to avoid mental breakdown.
DAY 44: Unable to remember events of past six days. Apparently I ordered 50 cases of cookie butter sandwich cookies directly from the manufacturer, but I have no recollection of doing so. Of these, 30 cases remain uneaten. I feel very strange.
DAY 52: I believe I have found a temporary solution to the cookie butter problem. When I think of the unsolvable cookie butter equations, I eat a cookie butter sandwich cookie. This momentarily relieves the anguish. Also, I am unable to feel my feet.
DAY 64: I fear that this may be my final entry. With no solution to the cookie butter equations in sight, it appears that this mystery will remain forever unsolved. I have also just experienced a curious sensation which I believe might have been my pancreas exploding.
DAY 65: Whatever exploded inside me yesterday was less vital than I thought. Unfortunately, I am now quite sure that a vital organ has indeed ruptured. But in this moment I have finally realized the answer. I only hope that someone finds this someday so that the world may know…Speculoos!