Bart & Judy’s The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World!(tm) [Not Kidding]

Posted by on September 22, 2015


Cookies are an important part of many life experiences. For example, when you’re still wading through 28 volumes of Mangoustani language learning materials, you might want to have a chocolate chip cookie to take your mind off the fact that you don’t even have any business in Mangoustan anymore and you have no idea why you keep torturing yourself with that absurd language. When you find yourself face to face with your own irrationality like that, you need more than just an ordinary chocolate chip cookie. You need The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World!(tm) [Not Kidding] Thankfully, a couple of line drawings named Bart and Judy have come through with just what you need. They understand that you deserve the best, and they’re here to give it to you.

Bart & Judy’s The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World(tm) [Not Kidding] are apparently the best because they’re made from Belgian chocolate, Madagascar vanilla, and French butter. They also gain an additional measure of goodness from the proper use of the Oxford comma, which might even make them a few percent better than the best. The emphasis on these three fine ingredients does lead one to wonder what the results would be if lesser ingredients and inferior punctuation were used. For example, what if the cookies were instead made with North Korean chocolate, Icelandic vanilla and Uzbek butter? Would it still be possible to create The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies in the World!(tm) [Not Kidding] without the clear delineation provided by the Oxford comma?

Danger! Danger!

Danger! Danger!

Fortunately or unfortunately, we aren’t able to test any chocolate chip cookie theories today, and instead must stick to reporting on the cookies as they arrived in their unbleached cardboard box. The difficulties started early, when we located a prominent warning label on the top of the box as well as an admonition to read the enclosed instructions before consuming the cookies.

The problems were twofold. First, we immediately lost the enclosed instructions because they contained a lot of words. Maybe if they had been in picture form with a cartoon person assembling flat-pack furniture we could have kept better track of them. But in any case, they’re gone now. Second, the warning wasn’t nearly big enough or clear enough to overcome the intense desire to immediately gorge on chocolate chip cookies. As a result, we disregarded it completely and began eating the cookies at an alarming rate.

Colleagues have reported only a limited version of what happened over the course of the next several hours, but it apparently started with 55 gallons of maple syrup and a giant inflatable duck. As the cookie-induced delirium increased, something occurred which is only being referred to as “the incident”. Scientists from around the world are still working to understand the extent of the environmental damage that resulted, and they are currently unable to comment on the possibility that a raccoon-elephant hybrid was created as a result of the day’s events. In the interest of safety, they are strongly advising that all trash containers should be kept tightly sealed in order to avoid attracting any raccoons or raccoon-like creatures.

The important lessons that we’ve learned from this experience are:

  1. Don’t lose the instructions that come with your cookies.
  2. Always heed the warning labels that are printed on any snack foods.
  3. Insurance doesn’t cover damage caused by the negligent creation of hybrid animal monstrosities.

That last one is probably going to be the biggest problem.

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