Author Archives: David Rice
“Look at me! I’m evil and cruel and environmentally irresponsible! I contribute to health problems and might even cause cancer! Not to mention that I will make you obese! And worst of all, I’m murder! MURDER!”
Do you know what that is? That’s a vegan imitation of meat. Did you know that vegans do such good imitations of meat? Neither did I until I met Veggie Jerky.
Now ordinarily the best course of action would be to simply ignore someone like Veggie Jerky until you can make your escape and return to your bacon-carpeted meat lair. But sometimes you’re forced to endure the vegan imitation of meat, and when that happens your only option is to at least give it a fair chance.
As it turns out, the MSG-free, preservative-free, cholesterol-free, GMO-free Veggie Jerky is actually a rather tasty snack. It does a reasonably good job of approximating the texture and flavor of real meat jerky, which is more than can be said for most vegan imitations of meat.
Of course you still have to listen to Veggie Jerky imitating all of the horrible aspects of meat, but at least you don’t have to eat kale while you’re doing it. Just go to your happy place and remind yourself that you’ll soon be back where even the bowls are made of bacon.
The characters depicted in this sketch are fictional. Any similarity to actual vegans is purely coincidental. Yeah, coincidental. That’s the word…
Now we’re pleased to announce the latest innovation in your favorite European hazelnut and cream crem: Eurocrem JAR. No longer will you have to struggle to extract your beloved Eurocrem from a BLOK. You won’t have to solve mathematical equations while trying to squeeze a bit of Eurocrem from the center of a filled fatty biscuit. Because now there’s Eurocrem JAR.
This revolutionary new product delivery system allows you to enjoy pure hazelnut crem and pure cream crem side-by-side in a round resealable container: a JAR. The makers of Eurocrem JAR are clearly proud of their new invention. As you may recall, our handlers aren’t willing to spring for the paid version of a translation app, but we’re pretty sure that the slogan on the JAR says something like, “Crem jar is best jar!”
So if you’re sick of the BLOK and don’t want to calculate your crem, try Eurocrem JAR. It’s the most creative crem concoction ever!
if you liked the italian
version of e. frutti gummi candy
then we have good news for you
because now it comes in mexican
but if you were offended by
the italian stereotypes on the
previous package then prepare
to be even more upset
the mexican version of a gummi
candy lunch includes classics such as
corn and chili con carne and some
yellow stuff with chunks
but it also has an unexplained
mexican hot dog and a red
candy pepper that was surprisingly
good and almost too spicy
it doesn’t contain any fat or peanuts
because the e. frutti people care about
your health while you’re eating
sugary versions of real food
but it does have some pictures of cartoon mexicans
wearing big sombreros because it’s apparently still
1940 somewhere and the way that corn cob is
looking at me makes me feel harassed
We tried to warn you. Almost two years ago, we tried to warn you. But did you listen? No. Of course not. We told you all of the things that make chickens angry, and we even showed you a chicken that was already starting to get really upset. Apparently that wasn’t enough for you.
So, what did you do? Did you make jambalaya? Did you play the crwth? Did you run around spouting off about all of the 57 things that you and your 57 friends were going to do for 57 days and 57 nights?
Oh, it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Just look over there and see what you’ve done. You’ve upset the chickens. You’ve enraged the chickens. You’ve brought forth the devil chickens from the deepest pits of hell. And now they’re going to eat us. Do you understand that? Do you even understand that a little bit?!
We’re going to be the strange snacks for a horde of demonic chickens with horns and pitchforks. Because of you. THE CHICKENS ARE COMING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Wouldn’t you like to at least know exactly how fast this plague of provoked poultry is going to spread? Wouldn’t you like to know when the chickens are going to come for you? Well, so would I, but we can’t even compute that because the mathematical model for their rate of spread can only be calculated using integration by parts. And integration by parts is one of the things that makes chickens angry! Please at least tell me that you didn’t cause the downfall of the human race by willingly doing integration by parts. That would just be adding insult to injury.
I bet you also did some of those things that make fish vomit. You just had to do your diorama about Lord of the Flies, didn’t you? You couldn’t do it about Macbeth like a normal person. You had to be different. Well, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Do you see any vomiting fish around? No? Do you know why? Because the devil chicken ate all of the vomiting fish! And if the chicken ate fish that were vomiting red and green confetti, do you really think it won’t eat you too?!
If by some chance you finish reading this before being devoured by a raging rooster, maybe you could try some Atori Spicy-X Tom Yam Seafood Biscuit Sticks. They even include mabin tomato sauce, but not in cups as is shown on the package. No, the sauce comes in a couple of sad little pouches. And you know what? The chicken doesn’t even care. The sauce is in pouches, and resistance is not an option. You will use what the chicken gives you.
In the meantime, I guess there’s nothing left for me to do but wait for the fateful fowl. Somehow I always knew it would end like this. I mean, you can’t really tell anyone that you expect to be eaten by a giant demonic barnyard creature, because then you get put back in that special room where everything is soft and nothing is pointy. But I knew this was going to happen. I always kn…
It has come to our attention that we at Armenian Fungus Cake might not be doing everything we can to keep our readers safe from the treacherous tyranny of strange snacks. We of course wish to state that we care deeply about the well-being of our fans and would hate to see any of them come to harm. As a result, we would like to take this opportunity to present a serious message about an item we told you about some time ago.
You might recall the story of Momordicae Grosvenori (also known as Fructus Momordicae) and the interdimensional incident that it caused. At the time, we did not explain the precautions that must be taken when dealing with this strange snack. Please take a moment to review the warnings stated below:
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a snack. It must be cleaned and cooked thoroughly before consumption.
- Pieces of dried Momordicae Grosvenori can be sharp. Wear eye protection when handling the product in its dried form.
- Do NOT drive or operate heavy machinery after consuming Momordicae Grosvenori.
- If you have ever experienced unexplained dizziness, nocturnal overeating, or delusions of grandeur, you should NOT use Momordicae Grosvenori.
- In the event of spontaneous combustion, do NOT attempt to extinguish Momordicae Grosvenori. Seek shelter immediately and contact an appropriate specialist for further advice.
- Do NOT mix Momordicae Grosvenori with other household cleaners, including bleach.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT suitable for consumption by chinchillas due to the potential for causing uncontrolled growth.
- Under normal circumstances, Momordicae Grosvenori will not achieve sentience. In the event that Momordicae Grosvenori begins showing signs of self-awareness, immediately clear mind of all unpleasant thoughts. Evacuate entire population of planet as soon as possible and conceal direction of escape to avoid being tracked by Momordicae Grosvenori.
- Do NOT allow Momordicae Grosvenori to become angry. Severe injury and/or property damage will result.
- Momordicae Grosvenori is NOT a substitute for qualified psychiatric treatment.
- If the effects of Momordicae Grosvenori last for more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately.
Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself about the serious dangers of Momordicae Grosvenori. We now return you to our normal comedic programming.
There are some things in life that are sacred. You can’t just go around redefining them to suit your own purposes. One of those things is candy. Candy is a traditional bond of sweetness and deliciousness that has existed for thousands of years. It is a three-way promise of tasty delight between the maker, the consumer, and itself.
It was all that, anyway, until Kuai Wei came along and tried to redefine traditional candy. These Kuai Wei Olive “Candies” represent an abomination to all things that make true candy the treat that it is. They blatantly disregard the definition of candy that has been accepted for millennia and replace it with a corrupt conglomeration of olives, sugar, and salt. That is an affront to candy itself, and furthermore, it tarnishes the sanctity of my traditional candy consumption.
Adding insult to injury, it turns out that there is no law protecting the traditional definition of candy. That means anything can be called candy and nobody can do anything to prevent it. You can see this creeping into our culture with the recent designation of bacon as “the candy of meats”. This brief witty observation, or “meme” as it is called on the Internet, has even found its way into the schools where it is being used to indoctrinate children with this twisted message of non-traditional candy.
Please contact your elected representatives and encourage them to support a law that will protect the traditional definition of candy. Only through intense legislative effort can we hope to defend the sanctity of candy and the quick, anonymous, three-way relationship that it represents.